Today has been very emotional. I lost someone who was becoming apart of my life. But life sometimes has other plans and that happens. Through my emotions I’ve been able to look at my life and analyze some things. This time that I was allotted allowed me to realize that life is actually going pretty well. It set a fire under my ass to get back on my shit and continue loving myself and everything around me.
Today I am thankful for my tribe. My tribe is small but mighty. There’s that voice in my head that I like to call “mom”. This voice is a constant reminder of the blood that flows through me. The voice that reminds me of who I am and where I come from.
Then there’s another voice I like to call “dad”. The voice that runs deep in my soul and walks me through the tough times. Allowing some sort of calmness but also a sense of urgency. Kinda like ” take your time but get it done!” That’s dad.
But then there’s the moments of laughter that I like to call “Crystal and Alyssa” . The laugh that takes away all the worry. A consistent reminder that this life you are living isn’t going to be easy but perseverance will get you where you need to be.
Then there’s the voice of reason I call “Chelsey”. That voice tells me to get off my high horse and operate out of love.
Then there’s ” Chauntee” the air that listens. The air that allows me the space to get it all out- the good, the bad and the ugly. The air that is refreshing when it comes around.
There’s so many factors of my tribe and I love every last one of them. It’s my tribe that keeps me smiling and keeps me going and I love my tribe more than they would ever know. I thank them for putting up with me and uplifting me. I thank them for cutting me down to build me back up. I will forever be grateful.
I’ve been having a hard time processing information lately. For some reason I feel as if I’m not getting the whole truth in things. Im discerning on another level that makes me question “is there more to this ?” What eventually happens is I end up on this quest for an answer that sits well with me. I dig for the answers that resinates with my spirit but even then I’m still left with the question “is there more to this?” Someone explained to me that this is all apart of the “awakening process” but I’m like, when did I sign up for this ?
Literally, internally I’m at peace with a lot of things and I find myself flowing a lot more fluidly these days and even when I’m on these mini quest of truth I’m still at peace. I’m not racing and pacing all over the place, I’m not freaking out, not losing out on sleep or anything. But it’s not always roses and cotton candy, sometimes I literally feel like I’m losing my shit. When something else is revealed to me I can’t just accept it, I have to process it. During that process I’m like “well why is it that at one point this was said? And am I the only one who sees this happening ?” It’s weird, it’s fun, it’s annoying.
All in all , this is my life. This is my journey. Everything has a purpose and I have given up on trying to figure out what the purpose is, everything will reveal itself in due time. The deeper I dig within myself, the more gold I will find. The more truth I operate in, the more love I will give out. I’m on this journey , no I didn’t sign up for it but someone or something knew this is exactly where I’m supposed to be.
For years I carried so much on my shoulders. I carried my skin as burden instead of a God given honorable shield. I carried societies standard of masculinity instead of defining manhood for myself. Eventually I grew tired. I grew tired of constantly fighting myself from myself. I was covering up who I truly was because I was scared of what other people would think or the fear of making someone else uncomfortable. As a nonconforming black male, you never know how people will accept you. After some time I stopped caring. I had to realize that I was the only thing that really mattered. It was my peace and happiness that was truly at risk.
We hide behind so many veils in order to conform to society and not to step on any toes. Under these veils we lose ourselves and we miss out on our potential. I had to accept all of my good and accept all of my bad in order for me to move forward in life. I stopped acknowledging what people told me was “bad” and turned the “bad” into moments of self observation. How is being myself bad? What makes these things bad? Who deemed it bad? And who the fuck are you to tell me, a grown ass man, that something about me is bad? Just because my life doesn’t necessarily align with your belief system and how you feel doesn’t make it bad.
Unfortunately we live in a white patriarchal, hyper-masculine society where young black boys and girls are told their skin color makes them less than and that their hair isn’t straight enough or long enough. Basically that we will never be enough. This was my reality. For years I hated my skin color, I wanted to be lighter. Lighter would equal more people liking me. Lighter would equal more opportunities. Lighter was better in my eyes. When I first started to accept my skin color, it wasn’t because I genuinely loved my complexion. It was because people liked my skin color. So in my head I’m like “Yes I’m accepted”. It wasn’t until college honestly that I truly loved my skin color. I realized it was mine. MY SKIN COLOR. No one else in this universe has MY SKIN COLOR. I realized that it holds magic and that I would do whatever the fuck I wanted because the DNA that ran through me came from people who looked just liked me who made shit shake. Once I accepted the love of me and my skin thats when I started to love everything else. My hair. For years I would spend half of my weekends in the barber shop in order to keep up the clean black boy look. Waves on swim, hairline so sharp I could slice you open with it with one strike. I even grew out my beard because someone else told me it was the thing to do, made me more attractive in a sense. Its been a year now with no haircut and I now have locs and I’m beardless. These were my decisions to love every strand of hair that grew from my head in its natural state. My beard did not define me. I now make decisions based on whats right for me and the spirit within helps me and guides me to making these decisions. I made the choice to not conform to what people and society claimed as acceptable. I choose what is acceptable for me everyday in that moment.
Once I accepted me for all the magic that I am, I gained my happiness back. The years I spent trying to please others is gone, I can’t get those back. The years under white rule are gone, I can’t get those back. But today I am striving to be the best version of Darrius Newton I can be. God has given me the tools to succeed its up to me to use them. My nappy glory, golden skin that turns blue under the moon’s light and my abundance of love that exudes through my pours will always be me. And I love every moment of it. I define who I am as a man and theres nothing anyone could say or do to change that. Love yourself , love others, spread happiness.
I’m shedding. Shedding away. Day by day, step by step. The things that once were are no longer. I show gratitude to today for allowing me to enjoy it. I show gratitude to those who came before me that prayed for me to be here, moving and breathing. I show gratitude to the universe for keeping me grounded no matter what wind blows my way I stay, grounded. I show gratitude to God for being God and breathing breath into me every second of my days and for allowing me to embark this journey of daily newness. I’m grateful.
Stepping away and focusing on me was truly what I needed. There’s so many things that I had to leave in order to return to myself. Those things that kept me from my happiness. I found that being who I am is the only thing in this world that is worth fighting for. I have been given the tools in order to be the best and it’s up to me to use these tools. I’m grateful for everything and everyone that I have enjoyed on this journey because even when I didn’t see it, I learned so much. Every experience, had a lesson. Every loss, was a win. Every gain, was another reason to be grateful. I’m ever changing, shape shifting at its finest. And I now know I am exactly where I’m supposed to be today. I’m not sure how I got here but I know, whatever is happening now is supposed to be happening now. I will continue to learn and continue to grow. Thank God for Change, thank God for space, thank God for growth. Thank God.
I know I’m not alone when I say, 2017 has by far been the hardest year of my life. So much has changed internally and externally. It’s hard for me to keep up at times and sometimes I lose track of time and things and sometimes even people. I get so indulged in the now that I can’t recall yesterday and I definitely don’t have time to worry about tomorrow. Being tossed around by life isn’t the most enjoyable thing but I had to learn to enjoy whatever life brings me. I had to learn to laugh during the pain. And smile when it hurts. Not that I’m ignoring the struggle or the pain or any other negative force I just had to learn to get thru it. All of that takes a lot of energy.
I tell people all the time to protect your energy. I am the spokesperson for protecting your energy. Thats truly the only thing you cannot get back. You can try to redo things and keep trying and trying again until you get it right but the energy you used to do that will never come back. Was it worth it? In some instances, yes. But in a lot of cases its not. We waste so much energy of frivolous things that we end up hurting ourselves. I have fallen victim to this. I need time to heal and time to replenish my soul. Fall/ Winter is always a hard time for me. My body hurts, I’m tired and I’m cold. I hate being cold and tired at the same time( not fun!). Sometimes we have to separate ourselves from everything and everyone and be a little selfish and focus on ourselves. We deserve the time to be alone and do what we need to do in order to prosper and move forward in life. Self care ladies and gentlemen.
November is my month to disappear for a while. I disconnect from the world for a while to reconnect with myself and listen to what my soul is saying. This is the time I take in order to end the year on a positive note and welcome the new year in with open arms. i REenergize, REprogram, REvive and REplenish. In this time my phone isn’t glued to my hands, I’m not on social media and majority of my time is spent alone. Allow me this time to love myself so that I could continue to love you guys through my blog and daily encounters. I hope to come back with a new mind, heart and stronger spirit. There are things brewing in the pot for me and I can’t wait to come back and share everything with you all. I will return when the time is right just allow me this space and time to figure it out. Love you to the moon and back and back again.