Thank God I Found the Good in Good-Bye

There’s so much pressure about finding the one, and finding someone who is for you. Sometimes, we find ourselves looking for the qualities that we think we want in someone. We’re so aware of those qualities and sometimes we block good people out of our lives because they have qualities we may or may not like. How do we really know what someone else needs to possess in order for us to feel “complete”? How do we know that person is the one and not just the one for right now? Do we even need the one? Can I just have a few and enjoy their company in a non intimate way? Why can’t I just enjoy myself? Maybe I’m not meant to find the one, maybe I am the one.
I have had a fair amount of relationships and I have found that, people are annoying. Doesn’t matter their gender,race,lifestyle, whatever, something about dating makes people ten times more annoying. Including myself. There are things that I can’t control, like my constant urge to cuddle all day and eat in bed. I can’t control that, it takes over my body and there’s nothing I can do. But no seriously, I had to analyze my situations(current and past) and think what was it that kept me there? And what I found was, it was the illusion of happiness. I say illusion because I was going through my own internal battles, my own demons that I didn’t and still don’t want to deal with. So, in order for me to be okay I would find happiness in others. And because happiness feels good, I stayed where it felt good.
Now I remember at some point of my early college career, I stopped dating. I just stopped. Cut all communication with people, wasn’t flirting with anyone, I just was like no. And it was in this time where I learned so much about myself. I was able to deal with some(definitely not all) of those demons that I carried around. I soul searched everyday, I dug deep into my heart and looked deep into my reflection to figure out and get a better understanding of who I was. I found a lot of ugly within but I found so much good. And I was happy with both because I found it, I acknowledged it, I took on the task of healing the internal wounds everyday on this journey of life.

I got back into dating because I stared feeling the pressure. “I have to find someone” I told myself. “Everyone needs someone” what others told me. So dammit, I got back out there and started dating. I met some really grand individuals who taught me a lot and we shared some great times but, at the end of it all, I found myself losing myself. I had to step back for a second because dating, schooling, working and adulting takes a lot of fucking energy. I mean golly! I was drained 98% of the time. Yes I was having fun but I was doing to much for nothing because news flash , I’m still single!

I have somewhat accepted that maybe I’m just meant to be alone. Maybe the one I’ve been looking for is within. I have to fully search within myself and let God and life heal the things in me so that I can fully love myself and be fine with it. There’s a lot of love that one can find in themselves where they won’t need any other validation from anyone else or anything else. Loving yourself isn’t a crime and being alone is a good thing, it’s a peace that I remember having that I want back. I want to get back in good graces with my surroundings and myself. So enjoy these single moments and let these moments matter. I can’t emphasize enough how important self care/love is. Now, if someone decides to come along and not be playing games, has great communication skills and is willing to make things work between one another, don’t shoot it down because you’re so indulged with yourself. Maybe the love you have found in yourself is what that other person needs to help them. You don’t know how what you’ve been through may help someone else.

So cheers to the good in goodbye, the love that we harbor within to share with others in your community and around the world. Love yourself, love one another. Be a light not only for one person but be a light that shines across seas.

Beanz Out

V-DAY

As I continue to progress in life and tune into different atmospheres, I’ve become very observant. I’m observing myself, others, my environment, the seen and the unseen. one day I was walking into Kroger(grocery store) and me being the observer I am, I observed red and pink hearts everywhere. And literally, the eye roll that took place could’ve been seen from across the oceans! I just couldn’t believe its happening again, another Valentine’s Day; single and by myself.

After some time of being by yourself on Valentine’s Day you start telling yourself things like this “Valentine’s Day is dumb!” or “This is just another one of America’s ways to get peoples money!” and you become so numb to holiday as a whole. Another thing you do is, celebrate “Single’s Awareness Day” which is usually spent with your other single friends over a nice dinner and endless glasses of wine. All of that is okay but lets go back to what Valentine’s Day is about, love! One day dedicated to that one special person you truly care about or even love. A commercialized holiday yes, but its a day to really shed some love on someone. Lets take another step back and look at the relationship you share with yourself. What was the last thing you have done for yourself in the act of self care? Self love?

It is hard to balance everything you have to do and to take care of yourself. Trust me I know! I am such an advocate for being alone and taking care of yourself. Self care is usually ┬áthe last thing on our todo list. The one thing we literally have to plan weeks in advance because we are so caught up in the other things that we have to do; pay bills, do homework, projects, stay current with the trends – there’s so much to do! And in the midst of doing all of that we sleep and take a shower and those are little acts of self care, absolutely. Take Valentine’s Day to go into self care overdrive. Go get a manicure/ pedicure, go get a haircut, clean your house, delete your emails, go buy a plant, go shopping- do what makes you happy. Self care is exactly what is sounds like, taking care of self. There are so many ways to do that, just make sure you are taking the time to do it.

Lets move forward this Valentine’s Day. Lets acknowledge the “holiday” and do what we need to do for ourselves. Let the couples enjoy their day together and we will enjoy the company of ourselves and take care of ourselves. Self care and self love is so important, if we do not take care of us inwardly and outwardly and learn to love ourselves, how are we supposed to love one another? Spread love, everyday and love each other everyday don’t wait on for February 14th to express your love for someone, do it as much as you can even if that someone is yourself.