Another Year…Another Post

2018 has taught me the importance of self. Self analyzation, self recognition, self care, self love. A lot of good has transpired this year for me which caused me to search within and figure some shit out.

As I sit on the train in Paris, I realize that this year has thrown me so many curve balls and brought me to some of my lowest points. Suicide, heart breaks, financial turmoil, this list can go on for miles. But I also see the lessons in everything that I’ve been through.

2018 has taught me to accept the things that we don’t want to accept. The ugly parts of ourselves that we don’t want to admit to. The deep dark secrets that we don’t even want God to know about. But I’ve learned that the same things that I found ugly had so much beauty in it. It was just up to me to see it.

I remember telling myself at the beginning of the year that I would be extremely mindful of what , where and who I put my energy into. My energy is my most valuable asset. My energy is truly all I have left. My energy is what will continue to live on once I pass, so I MUST be mindful of what I do with it. Protecting my energy has caused new relationships to form as others have fallen to the waste side. Protecting my energy taught me how to love even when I was given hate. My energy is scared. My energy is needed in so many spaces at different times. But it must be protected at all cost.

I’ve stopped making resolutions. I’ve stopped applying pressure to myself that wasn’t necessary. I will continue to operate out of love. I will continue to put myself first. I will continue to grow and learn about myself and my surroundings. I just hope and pray 2019 places me where I need to be. Cheers to the new year, and cheers to the things that are no longer. May the light continue to guide me and may my shoes continue to be magnificent. I love you. Forever. Happy New Year.

-Beanz Out

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I’m Not Sure Honestly

I’m starting to wonder if I overthink things. For instance, I’m always super aware of my leg space when sitting next to others especially females. I just feel as if I should do my small part and not man spread. But it’s like am I the only one thinking about shit like that? Am I overreacting? Am I reaching ? I’m not sure honestly.

As a firm believer that we should all do our part I try to advocate as much as possible and make sure I practice what I preach. I find myself having mental debates about what I should give my energy to and what I shouldn’t. When it comes to women rights, lgbtq+ rights, black rights, brown rights, (insert other oppressed groups I fight for here), I’m just in it. All the way. I find myself naturally doing things to make a point. But at what point am I going to get fed up and just worry about myself? Or am I already coming focused on myself? I’m not sure honestly.

I’m still processing my motives. I’m still processing my actions. So far all I’ve come up with is…this is who I am and i will defend that until the end. We’ve lived in a realm of too many people being content with the way things are. I’m not content with being content when there are so many things to fix. Again I am constantly debating what I should give my energy to. Even when I contemplate my motives I realize that me worrying about myself is apart of fighting the fights I choose to fight. I’m not sure honestly but I feel as if I’m ok exactly where I’m at. Everything I’m doing is exactly what I should be doing. I’m not sure why I felt like writing about this but honestly…everything is okay. I’m not sure what I’m doing honestly ,but honestly…everything is okay…

-Beanz Out

Mr.Darrius

Mr. Darrius not Mr. Newton.

Darrius is me.

Darrius is who I am in this realm right now.

There is no deeply rooted roots

deeply rooted underneath words

deeply rooted

beneath something else that is something I am not

because

I am darrius. Mr. Darrius

Thats who I am.

Thats who you first see when you look at me

Not Newton but Darrius and then Newton.

I am thankful for those who have come before me

I am honored to be a Newton

But

I am Darrius first. I am

Mr. Darrius

Anxiety

It’s 1:39AM and my mind is racing and I can’t get it to stop.

My anxiety has taken over and I feel some sort of high that I can’t come down off of.

Is this the end?

What if this is it?

All my hard work, does it end here? What am I doing ?

What am I to do next?

…questions that I can’t answer. Question I demand answers to.

God, ancestors, crystals, sage, moon, earth, stars….

help…me.

Is this the life for me?

Oh anxiety you’re a friend of mine that I try to keep away from. The friend that got me through undergrad. The friend that pushes me to move on and do better. The friend that’s not really a friend but we know one another so well.

Are you here ?

Is it showing?

Am I showing you off or hiding you well? What if they see me?

What if they don’t?

What expectations am I to live up to?

Who made these expectations ?

Fuck those expectations ! You don’t mean that. God but I want to…

I’m scared.

I’m scared …of myself mostly. Scared that I have set the bar too high and I can’t reach it…again I ask…is this it for me…

Doubt and anxiety work hand in hand and being an intellect doesn’t make it any easier. I know to much but remember, be humble. God dammit !! Can I just scream to the heavens that might exist in my nightmares of reality that I can’t fathom to endure. How am I to exist in this current state and I can’t even reach my own expectations and answer my own questions.

…what is this?

…what am I saying?

…what is happening?

…Anxiety …

hey bitch…you’re back again!

What is my truth ? What is my destiny? What answer am I to hold on to?

Why…am… I…this…way…?

I’m lost but I’m supposed to be okay with that right? Someone answer me. Is this a cry for help or simply me releasing the energy that can no longer live in this body. The energy that needs to be exhausted from this body so that this body can continue to walk in whatever peace it found in that moment…do I even make sense…

Anxiety…

you’re one hell of a bitch… that was so good

…Anxiety…

Let’s go another…round…

June 12,2018

Allow Me This Space To Vent, Please.

I feel like I’ve been on an emotional rollercoaster. I haven’t necessarily been able to acknowledge any of my feelings lately and I found myself today at a point of giving up. Giving up in the sense of, I’m just going to erupt with emotions and whoever is in the way is not going to be a happy camper. I could not find a space where I could genuinely just flesh out everything I was feeling and to process all of my thoughts. Then I remembered my haven, right here. There is no place like home and home is here. Allow me this space to rant and to flesh out whatever I am feeling. I do not need you to “understand me” or to sympathize or empathize anything for me just allow me to live in this space.

Egos

I have been dealing with egos a lot. I have noticed that I too have an ego. My ego however, is not to compensate for something I’m lacking. My ego is coming from a place of confidence. The egos I’ve been dealing with have been telling me, literally to my face, that my opinion isn’t valid because well….youre in the Valley now. Yes, I’ve relocated to the Rio Grande Valley which is a border town in Texas that I didnt even know existed before Teach for America. In the Valley, there is an adbundance of resources and this pride that I have been questioning since I’ve arrived. They praise kids in the Valley for the small things like graduating middle school and I think that is wonderful because it installs the importance of education in kids. But where it starts to get a little weird is when the people who are in Valley then explain to me they have never been outside of the Valley or even outside of Texas. And that worries me. The Valley is definitely another city on the rise. Gentrification is definitely doing its thing in certain parts of the Valley but the people in the Valley have a bit of identity crisis which I believe stems from them not dealing with things outside of the Valley or texas. Im not sure of the actual percentage but I’m sure it’s like 95% percent Mexican. And the amount of people who identify as White or white hispanic is alarming. This false identity has white washed mexican culture so much to point where when they see my black ass they feel as if they too are better than me. But I find that so weird because the way they tip toe around the immigration issues and the state of fear that is being promoted by the white house you would think people would see me, and my black ass as an ally. Instead, I have been starred at, ignored and in some cases treated as a second class citizen. And its mind-blowing because here I am, well traveled , educated and well articulated dealing with someone who has been taught that white is better and they have internalized that so much to the point where they lose their culture YET they still look down at me. If both of your parents are Mexican, your name is of Latin-X decent…you’re Mexican. And to have the nerve, especially in the state that we’re in as far as immigration laws to look down at me is ridiculous. I find it comical in a sense. I have grown to just say…ok sis go off. I am not your enemy people of the valley, if anything I’m a ally. I’m a resource that you should milk instead of ignore but again, ok sis go off.

Accountability

They say the first step in healing is to first admit the problem. In order to do that, one has to humble themselves. One has to be accountable for all their flaws and all their perfections. As I continue to go into these “safe places” that are mixed with different cultures and races, I’m noticing people do not like to be accountable for their mistakes. Here it is ladies and germs, and to all my Beany Babies, I too have dealt with my own predjucies in regards to Mexicans, white people and (get ready) black people. I have fed into stereotypes, I have prejudged based on your race and I have not always been on the side of humans as a whole. And fuck it, thats my truth. And in some cases because I am human I still have some growing to do. And because of that, when I say something that may go against the grain or may not be culturally accepted, please drag me. Drag me from here to Wakanda. I appreciate it so much. Dont allow me to live in my ignorance but instead I rather you cut me down to build me back up. Im just tired of these “safe places” where I still have to be mindful of what I say because John and Susanne haven’t 100% accepted their truth. We all have our ugly but its up to you to turn your ugly into beauty.

The Church

I have completely checked out from the church. It took a long time for me to remove myself for many reasons. But I had to ask myself, what have you done for me lately? There have been many things said about myself and my family from the church that don’t resonate 100% with me. There are things in the bible that do not 100% resonate neither. If this place is where I’m supposed to come for completeness , why do I still have lingering questions that leave me feeling incomplete and why is it when this is brought up the only response is “ pray about it”? But doesn’t it say something in the bible about prayer without work is dead or something like that? I don’t know and theres too many loopholes and unanswered questions and Ive realized once I stepped out the mindset that the church has formed I started getting answers, things started making sense and life suddenly wasn’t dark anymore. I was no longer bound by the things that were told were good but ended up being bad. I also think, we as a people need to start holding these pastors more accountable. If you are not living up to the words you preach then you should not be preaching. And when confronted, if you then let your ego and pride get in the way you do not need to be preaching. I have seen pastors strive off their egos being stroked and the moment you question something they belittle you reinforce the bind that they have installed over ones life. I choose to live differently now and whats so annoying is that when I tell people, I’m not religious they instantly go “ you need to come to my church!” sis what the fuck your church got going on that I NEED to go. Let me be more clear, religion isn’t for me and I have denounced christian church values from my life. However when I look in the mirror and speak positive affirmations on my life, I’m at church. When I go from downward dog into a headstand while breathing and acknowledging everything in me and around me, I’m at church. So again, what the fuck does your church got going on that I need to go? Bigger lights, a bomb ass choir ? What is it? All of that sounds good but when the going gets tough, where was your church baby? I don’t say any of this to offend I simply just find it rude when people force their religion on me. And thats something I also had to realize, the only reason I was in church is because I was told to. I was told I would literally DIE if if stopped going to church…fun fact, I’m still here.

I think the melatonin is kicking in now and I’m running out of words but my fingers are still going. And I feel like with each word I’m taking a deep exhale. Im removing the thoughts and ideas that were cluttering my mind but I want to just say this before I wrap it up. Men have to do better. As a man, I cannot be the voice for all men and I cannot vouch for a species that has continuously shown to be worthless. Men, we must hold ourselves to a higher standard in order to be an asset to our female counterparts. This is more than intimacy and stepping up to the plate. It’s simply just do better. Women are losing hope and they are finding more ways than one to not deal with men at all. We have to stop thinking about the sexual aspect of womanhood but we have to see womanhood as something sacred that needs to be protected and uplifted. Women do not need us however we need to see how much we need women. Allow her to educate you and it doesn’t have to be your wife or your girlfriend or anyone along those lines. It is our duty to protect the woman. Once we get to a humble place of acknowledging that this universe is woman and she is the dominant force we will begin to live in peace. Women I apologize on my behalf and my behalf only because again, I’m not the voice of all men. But I apologize for not living up to your standard of being a protector in any situation and I am open for all criticism in order to be uplifted. I will never have the honor of truly understanding what it is like to be a woman however, I come from a long line of strong women and I know the most I could do is protect the woman.

Thats all I have , thank you for this space. Thank you for engaging and thank you for allowing me to ramble unapologetically. I feel better.

-Beanz Out