It’s 1:39AM and my mind is racing and I can’t get it to stop.
My anxiety has taken over and I feel some sort of high that I can’t come down off of.
Is this the end?
What if this is it?
All my hard work, does it end here? What am I doing ?
What am I to do next?
…questions that I can’t answer. Question I demand answers to.
God, ancestors, crystals, sage, moon, earth, stars….
Is this the life for me?
Oh anxiety you’re a friend of mine that I try to keep away from. The friend that got me through undergrad. The friend that pushes me to move on and do better. The friend that’s not really a friend but we know one another so well.
Are you here ?
Is it showing?
Am I showing you off or hiding you well? What if they see me?
What if they don’t?
What expectations am I to live up to?
Who made these expectations ?
Fuck those expectations ! You don’t mean that. God but I want to…
I’m scared …of myself mostly. Scared that I have set the bar too high and I can’t reach it…again I ask…is this it for me…
Doubt and anxiety work hand in hand and being an intellect doesn’t make it any easier. I know to much but remember, be humble. God dammit !! Can I just scream to the heavens that might exist in my nightmares of reality that I can’t fathom to endure. How am I to exist in this current state and I can’t even reach my own expectations and answer my own questions.
…what is this?
…what am I saying?
…what is happening?
hey bitch…you’re back again!
What is my truth ? What is my destiny? What answer am I to hold on to?
I’m lost but I’m supposed to be okay with that right? Someone answer me. Is this a cry for help or simply me releasing the energy that can no longer live in this body. The energy that needs to be exhausted from this body so that this body can continue to walk in whatever peace it found in that moment…do I even make sense…
you’re one hell of a bitch… that was so good
Let’s go another…round…