Eggs & Toast: a letter to my younger self

Dear young Darrius,

I just want to let you now, everything is ok. You are different and that’s okay. Like it’s perfect actually. I know there are so many people telling you what to do and how to act because apparently everything about you is wrong if you let someone else tell it but I’m telling you, you are perfect! You are a light and always will be. The things that people use to belittle you will be exactly what takes you far in life.

Hold on young warrior. I know shit doesn’t make sense to you right now and I know you think it will all be better if you just died right there but please hold on. There are people that are depending on you to grow up and be great and strong for them. There are people who are going to love you just the way you are because you are perfect. Fuck everyone who says anything opposite of that. Fuck everyone who tried to steal your light. Fuck everyone who spoke death on your name at 10,13 and so on. By the way, they are fucking insane because I’m coming to you at 23-still alive.

Don’t let other people’s beliefs bring you down.

Question everything. You have all the tools to be phenomenal already. As you get older you will use these tools to build your empire and everyone will see and congratulate you for all that you have done. You will have to learn to love yourself first and take care of you first always! Don’t let anyone take away the love that you have. Don’t let anyone abuse the love that you have. And don’t let anyone take advantage of you. You don’t need anyone’s validation at all. You are so great little boy. That smile is going to light up rooms and your energy will transform the environment. You are a force that is not to be fucked with. And people see it , they just want to control it. Don’t give anyone that control and don’t give anyone power over you. I’m telling you, FUCK THEM! Even your family. Learn to love them from afar and learn to simply say…fuck y’all. In your head of course because you must stay respectful but when you get older you’ll be screaming fuck you from high mountains and everyone will hear it. You’ll be fine. Trust me.

Young Darrius. You are a king, you are worthy of love and I just need you to hold on. Your wildest dreams will come true. You are going to do amazing things in life, you just have to hold on. You are going to have friends that love the fuck out of you. You are going to meet someone that loves the fuck out of you. And you will love the fuck out of you and that’s what’s most important. So keep on being different , keep on questioning everything , keep on excelling. Everything will be alright. I’m so proud of you little man, I know you don’t hear that enough. But 23 year old Darrius is proud of you because you are amazing. And I just need you to hold on. Everything will be ok. I love you and always will.

-Older Darrius

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Another Year…Another Post

2018 has taught me the importance of self. Self analyzation, self recognition, self care, self love. A lot of good has transpired this year for me which caused me to search within and figure some shit out.

As I sit on the train in Paris, I realize that this year has thrown me so many curve balls and brought me to some of my lowest points. Suicide, heart breaks, financial turmoil, this list can go on for miles. But I also see the lessons in everything that I’ve been through.

2018 has taught me to accept the things that we don’t want to accept. The ugly parts of ourselves that we don’t want to admit to. The deep dark secrets that we don’t even want God to know about. But I’ve learned that the same things that I found ugly had so much beauty in it. It was just up to me to see it.

I remember telling myself at the beginning of the year that I would be extremely mindful of what , where and who I put my energy into. My energy is my most valuable asset. My energy is truly all I have left. My energy is what will continue to live on once I pass, so I MUST be mindful of what I do with it. Protecting my energy has caused new relationships to form as others have fallen to the waste side. Protecting my energy taught me how to love even when I was given hate. My energy is scared. My energy is needed in so many spaces at different times. But it must be protected at all cost.

I’ve stopped making resolutions. I’ve stopped applying pressure to myself that wasn’t necessary. I will continue to operate out of love. I will continue to put myself first. I will continue to grow and learn about myself and my surroundings. I just hope and pray 2019 places me where I need to be. Cheers to the new year, and cheers to the things that are no longer. May the light continue to guide me and may my shoes continue to be magnificent. I love you. Forever. Happy New Year.

-Beanz Out

Anxiety

It’s 1:39AM and my mind is racing and I can’t get it to stop.

My anxiety has taken over and I feel some sort of high that I can’t come down off of.

Is this the end?

What if this is it?

All my hard work, does it end here? What am I doing ?

What am I to do next?

…questions that I can’t answer. Question I demand answers to.

God, ancestors, crystals, sage, moon, earth, stars….

help…me.

Is this the life for me?

Oh anxiety you’re a friend of mine that I try to keep away from. The friend that got me through undergrad. The friend that pushes me to move on and do better. The friend that’s not really a friend but we know one another so well.

Are you here ?

Is it showing?

Am I showing you off or hiding you well? What if they see me?

What if they don’t?

What expectations am I to live up to?

Who made these expectations ?

Fuck those expectations ! You don’t mean that. God but I want to…

I’m scared.

I’m scared …of myself mostly. Scared that I have set the bar too high and I can’t reach it…again I ask…is this it for me…

Doubt and anxiety work hand in hand and being an intellect doesn’t make it any easier. I know to much but remember, be humble. God dammit !! Can I just scream to the heavens that might exist in my nightmares of reality that I can’t fathom to endure. How am I to exist in this current state and I can’t even reach my own expectations and answer my own questions.

…what is this?

…what am I saying?

…what is happening?

…Anxiety …

hey bitch…you’re back again!

What is my truth ? What is my destiny? What answer am I to hold on to?

Why…am… I…this…way…?

I’m lost but I’m supposed to be okay with that right? Someone answer me. Is this a cry for help or simply me releasing the energy that can no longer live in this body. The energy that needs to be exhausted from this body so that this body can continue to walk in whatever peace it found in that moment…do I even make sense…

Anxiety…

you’re one hell of a bitch… that was so good

…Anxiety…

Let’s go another…round…

I’m Not Your Woke Friend

There has been many things going on in the world. Suddenly slavery was a choice and you can’t sit in Starbucks as a black man without being targeted. There’s just a lot of vibes being thrown around. And there’s also been a surge of people wanting to hear my opinion on things. Phone calls, tweets, DMs, text messages, actual strangers trying to start debates with me because apparently I just look like I have an opinion. And I do. But what I won’t do is continue to use my energy towards fuck shit. And I wish I could find another word(s) to describe what’s been happening but that’s just what it is. Fuck shit.

First and foremost, I thought I told y’all- I’m not woke. Nothing about me is woke. I’m aware. I’m aware of the uneducated, ignorance that has been spewing out of Kanye’s mouth ( yes I saw the whole interview, still fuck shit). I’m aware that it’s still cool but not cool to be black in public places. But I’m not your woke friend who is going to use all of their energy ranting and raving about topics over and over again. The woke community lacks something that truly bothers me and that’s facts. Facts trumps everything. If you don’t have your facts in order, don’t even try to start a conversation with me because I’m going to hurt your feelings. Research isn’t that hard. Stop allowing these social media prophets to big up your heads. Know the whole story and all the facts and then we can talk.

Another thing the woke community lacks is self identity. There have been many before us that unfortunately have fought similar(read same) battles that we are fighting today. However times are different. Frequencies are different. We are vibrating at a higher wavelength than those who came before us which means, we have to do things a little different. The woke community love to hold onto old ideologies that worked in the 50s and the 90s. But let’s think about what life was like back then. Shit, woman just earned the right to vote in 1920 and black women couldn’t vote until the 1960s. That alone says a lot. Women are forerunners for the majority of political movements and a few decades ago they weren’t even able to have a say-so for what happened in the world they lived in. So no, I can’t have the mindset as Marcus Garvey or Malcom X. However, I appreciate everything they have done and I will learn from their journey but I’m going to do what works for me.

And the last issue I’m going to discuss in regards to the woke community is the lack of resources. I still can’t understand how you can be woke and still pick and choose what type of person you choose to stand for. How can you wear your Black Lives Matter shirts and hashtag #BLM on every post yet, faggot is a word in your daily vocabulary? How do you not see all people of color as equal? How you hating on a person that isn’t even paying you any attention that is doing 10 times better than you? The LGBTQ community have been front and center for every political event yet the woke community still scrutinizes gays in the black community. If it wasn’t for those same faggots and dikes you would still be stuck in some fucked up situations. And speaking of resources, do you not understand that there is so much to learn from a person living a different lifestyle than you? Those trends that you are so ready to hop on, who you think started that?…don’t know ? I’ll tell you. The black woman that you quick to call a ho and a bitch but yet she’s a queen. The faggot that you bullied in middle school. The same people who subliminally made you are the same people you are casting out of your woke movement.

I repeat, I’m not your woke friend. When Kanye does something that is outright disappointing and foolish, don’t call me. I been telling y’all stop thinking one sided. When you question a man’s masculinity because of whatever, don’t call me because I been told y’all masculinity and femininity work together. And I also told you hyper masculinity is a fucking joke. No I’m not mad, I’ve been mad before. Now I’m just focusing my energy elsewhere. Focusing on fixing issues. Focusing on helping my community. And for my people, you know who you are, next time someone comes at you with the fuck shit ask them one question, what have you done for your community that has had a positive impact ?

Beanz Out

Captain Save a Ho

I’ve come to realize that my life has aligned things that always put me in a position to help. I truly believe that we were put here on this earth to help one another. We all go through different things and have different experiences. We gain wisdom from our experiences and this wisdom is meant to be shared with those who need it.

For a long time I was giving , giving and giving and never took a chance to stop and ask “ who’s giving to me ?” That never was a concern of mine. I don’t help someone with the intentions of receiving something back. My true fulfillment comes from seeing my seed grow. Every word of advice-a seed. Every comforting hug- a seed. Every tear shed on my shoulder- a seed. I only plant what I want to harvest. I want everyone around me to flourish. Even if our time together is limited I want to know that you are out in the world living your life to its full potential and it brings tears of joy to know that my simple act of genuine kindness helped you get to where you are. I have no need to remind you, I have no right to get anything in return. All I want is for you to shine.

We have to open ourselves to other people. Our journey isn’t just for us. We have to share our experiences and our kind words and our truth in order to keep the cycle going. We must water one another in love and help wash away whatever pain we are harboring. In order for us to evolve as a people we must continue to humble ourselves and shed a light into one another’s life. There’s enough hate in the world we all can use an act of kindness and a warm hug right now.

This is a blog of love, this is a blog of unity. I love each and every one of you and I want my love to live forever so spread love. Let’s just love one another. We can use it for sure.

-Beanz Out