6/6/19

Forgiveness and accountability work hand in hand. I realized this as I started to accept my truth. My reality is mine and I’m somewhat in control of what it looks like. The things that I may dislike are apart of my reality as well. And when dealing with the truth sometimes we discover things that we don’t like. Our uglies we want no one to know about. Our uglies we don’t want to accept. But we must. It’s there. It’s real.

Now that we recognize the truth and all it holds, we have to forgive. When forgiving we sometimes feel like we have to only focus on other people and what they have done to us. The blame game. “You hurt me and this is why I am this way but I’m going to forgive you for my own growth”…the story we all know , oh so well. But you know that saying about pointing the finger …three pointing back at you…however the fuck it goes…let’s stop playing the blame game and be accountable for our shit. We have choices in life. And those choices usually reveal themselves but we don’t always see them. Sometimes because we don’t want to. Other times because we can’t comprehend what is happening. Nonetheless, the choice is yours. You did that. You made that happen. And it’s ok. Accept it. Don’t blame yourself or anyone. It is what is . It’s real. Forgive yourself, we make mistakes. We fuck up. We’re supposed to! It’s how we learn. It’s how we evolve. And I’ll speak for myself, I rather fuck up a bunch of times and learn than never make a mistake and not learn anything. The day I stop learning, is the day I stop breathing.

Forgiveness is a bitch. It causes us to see different perspectives and deep dive into our souls. It hurts. It’s uncomfortable but it’s healing. Removing the baggage. Letting go. It’s needed. It’s relief. It’s self care!

-Beanz Out

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Eggs & Toast: a letter to my younger self

Dear young Darrius,

I just want to let you now, everything is ok. You are different and that’s okay. Like it’s perfect actually. I know there are so many people telling you what to do and how to act because apparently everything about you is wrong if you let someone else tell it but I’m telling you, you are perfect! You are a light and always will be. The things that people use to belittle you will be exactly what takes you far in life.

Hold on young warrior. I know shit doesn’t make sense to you right now and I know you think it will all be better if you just died right there but please hold on. There are people that are depending on you to grow up and be great and strong for them. There are people who are going to love you just the way you are because you are perfect. Fuck everyone who says anything opposite of that. Fuck everyone who tried to steal your light. Fuck everyone who spoke death on your name at 10,13 and so on. By the way, they are fucking insane because I’m coming to you at 23-still alive.

Don’t let other people’s beliefs bring you down.

Question everything. You have all the tools to be phenomenal already. As you get older you will use these tools to build your empire and everyone will see and congratulate you for all that you have done. You will have to learn to love yourself first and take care of you first always! Don’t let anyone take away the love that you have. Don’t let anyone abuse the love that you have. And don’t let anyone take advantage of you. You don’t need anyone’s validation at all. You are so great little boy. That smile is going to light up rooms and your energy will transform the environment. You are a force that is not to be fucked with. And people see it , they just want to control it. Don’t give anyone that control and don’t give anyone power over you. I’m telling you, FUCK THEM! Even your family. Learn to love them from afar and learn to simply say…fuck y’all. In your head of course because you must stay respectful but when you get older you’ll be screaming fuck you from high mountains and everyone will hear it. You’ll be fine. Trust me.

Young Darrius. You are a king, you are worthy of love and I just need you to hold on. Your wildest dreams will come true. You are going to do amazing things in life, you just have to hold on. You are going to have friends that love the fuck out of you. You are going to meet someone that loves the fuck out of you. And you will love the fuck out of you and that’s what’s most important. So keep on being different , keep on questioning everything , keep on excelling. Everything will be alright. I’m so proud of you little man, I know you don’t hear that enough. But 23 year old Darrius is proud of you because you are amazing. And I just need you to hold on. Everything will be ok. I love you and always will.

-Older Darrius

Another Year…Another Post

2018 has taught me the importance of self. Self analyzation, self recognition, self care, self love. A lot of good has transpired this year for me which caused me to search within and figure some shit out.

As I sit on the train in Paris, I realize that this year has thrown me so many curve balls and brought me to some of my lowest points. Suicide, heart breaks, financial turmoil, this list can go on for miles. But I also see the lessons in everything that I’ve been through.

2018 has taught me to accept the things that we don’t want to accept. The ugly parts of ourselves that we don’t want to admit to. The deep dark secrets that we don’t even want God to know about. But I’ve learned that the same things that I found ugly had so much beauty in it. It was just up to me to see it.

I remember telling myself at the beginning of the year that I would be extremely mindful of what , where and who I put my energy into. My energy is my most valuable asset. My energy is truly all I have left. My energy is what will continue to live on once I pass, so I MUST be mindful of what I do with it. Protecting my energy has caused new relationships to form as others have fallen to the waste side. Protecting my energy taught me how to love even when I was given hate. My energy is scared. My energy is needed in so many spaces at different times. But it must be protected at all cost.

I’ve stopped making resolutions. I’ve stopped applying pressure to myself that wasn’t necessary. I will continue to operate out of love. I will continue to put myself first. I will continue to grow and learn about myself and my surroundings. I just hope and pray 2019 places me where I need to be. Cheers to the new year, and cheers to the things that are no longer. May the light continue to guide me and may my shoes continue to be magnificent. I love you. Forever. Happy New Year.

-Beanz Out

Anxiety

It’s 1:39AM and my mind is racing and I can’t get it to stop.

My anxiety has taken over and I feel some sort of high that I can’t come down off of.

Is this the end?

What if this is it?

All my hard work, does it end here? What am I doing ?

What am I to do next?

…questions that I can’t answer. Question I demand answers to.

God, ancestors, crystals, sage, moon, earth, stars….

help…me.

Is this the life for me?

Oh anxiety you’re a friend of mine that I try to keep away from. The friend that got me through undergrad. The friend that pushes me to move on and do better. The friend that’s not really a friend but we know one another so well.

Are you here ?

Is it showing?

Am I showing you off or hiding you well? What if they see me?

What if they don’t?

What expectations am I to live up to?

Who made these expectations ?

Fuck those expectations ! You don’t mean that. God but I want to…

I’m scared.

I’m scared …of myself mostly. Scared that I have set the bar too high and I can’t reach it…again I ask…is this it for me…

Doubt and anxiety work hand in hand and being an intellect doesn’t make it any easier. I know to much but remember, be humble. God dammit !! Can I just scream to the heavens that might exist in my nightmares of reality that I can’t fathom to endure. How am I to exist in this current state and I can’t even reach my own expectations and answer my own questions.

…what is this?

…what am I saying?

…what is happening?

…Anxiety …

hey bitch…you’re back again!

What is my truth ? What is my destiny? What answer am I to hold on to?

Why…am… I…this…way…?

I’m lost but I’m supposed to be okay with that right? Someone answer me. Is this a cry for help or simply me releasing the energy that can no longer live in this body. The energy that needs to be exhausted from this body so that this body can continue to walk in whatever peace it found in that moment…do I even make sense…

Anxiety…

you’re one hell of a bitch… that was so good

…Anxiety…

Let’s go another…round…

June 12,2018

Allow Me This Space To Vent, Please.

I feel like I’ve been on an emotional rollercoaster. I haven’t necessarily been able to acknowledge any of my feelings lately and I found myself today at a point of giving up. Giving up in the sense of, I’m just going to erupt with emotions and whoever is in the way is not going to be a happy camper. I could not find a space where I could genuinely just flesh out everything I was feeling and to process all of my thoughts. Then I remembered my haven, right here. There is no place like home and home is here. Allow me this space to rant and to flesh out whatever I am feeling. I do not need you to “understand me” or to sympathize or empathize anything for me just allow me to live in this space.

Egos

I have been dealing with egos a lot. I have noticed that I too have an ego. My ego however, is not to compensate for something I’m lacking. My ego is coming from a place of confidence. The egos I’ve been dealing with have been telling me, literally to my face, that my opinion isn’t valid because well….youre in the Valley now. Yes, I’ve relocated to the Rio Grande Valley which is a border town in Texas that I didnt even know existed before Teach for America. In the Valley, there is an adbundance of resources and this pride that I have been questioning since I’ve arrived. They praise kids in the Valley for the small things like graduating middle school and I think that is wonderful because it installs the importance of education in kids. But where it starts to get a little weird is when the people who are in Valley then explain to me they have never been outside of the Valley or even outside of Texas. And that worries me. The Valley is definitely another city on the rise. Gentrification is definitely doing its thing in certain parts of the Valley but the people in the Valley have a bit of identity crisis which I believe stems from them not dealing with things outside of the Valley or texas. Im not sure of the actual percentage but I’m sure it’s like 95% percent Mexican. And the amount of people who identify as White or white hispanic is alarming. This false identity has white washed mexican culture so much to point where when they see my black ass they feel as if they too are better than me. But I find that so weird because the way they tip toe around the immigration issues and the state of fear that is being promoted by the white house you would think people would see me, and my black ass as an ally. Instead, I have been starred at, ignored and in some cases treated as a second class citizen. And its mind-blowing because here I am, well traveled , educated and well articulated dealing with someone who has been taught that white is better and they have internalized that so much to the point where they lose their culture YET they still look down at me. If both of your parents are Mexican, your name is of Latin-X decent…you’re Mexican. And to have the nerve, especially in the state that we’re in as far as immigration laws to look down at me is ridiculous. I find it comical in a sense. I have grown to just say…ok sis go off. I am not your enemy people of the valley, if anything I’m a ally. I’m a resource that you should milk instead of ignore but again, ok sis go off.

Accountability

They say the first step in healing is to first admit the problem. In order to do that, one has to humble themselves. One has to be accountable for all their flaws and all their perfections. As I continue to go into these “safe places” that are mixed with different cultures and races, I’m noticing people do not like to be accountable for their mistakes. Here it is ladies and germs, and to all my Beany Babies, I too have dealt with my own predjucies in regards to Mexicans, white people and (get ready) black people. I have fed into stereotypes, I have prejudged based on your race and I have not always been on the side of humans as a whole. And fuck it, thats my truth. And in some cases because I am human I still have some growing to do. And because of that, when I say something that may go against the grain or may not be culturally accepted, please drag me. Drag me from here to Wakanda. I appreciate it so much. Dont allow me to live in my ignorance but instead I rather you cut me down to build me back up. Im just tired of these “safe places” where I still have to be mindful of what I say because John and Susanne haven’t 100% accepted their truth. We all have our ugly but its up to you to turn your ugly into beauty.

The Church

I have completely checked out from the church. It took a long time for me to remove myself for many reasons. But I had to ask myself, what have you done for me lately? There have been many things said about myself and my family from the church that don’t resonate 100% with me. There are things in the bible that do not 100% resonate neither. If this place is where I’m supposed to come for completeness , why do I still have lingering questions that leave me feeling incomplete and why is it when this is brought up the only response is “ pray about it”? But doesn’t it say something in the bible about prayer without work is dead or something like that? I don’t know and theres too many loopholes and unanswered questions and Ive realized once I stepped out the mindset that the church has formed I started getting answers, things started making sense and life suddenly wasn’t dark anymore. I was no longer bound by the things that were told were good but ended up being bad. I also think, we as a people need to start holding these pastors more accountable. If you are not living up to the words you preach then you should not be preaching. And when confronted, if you then let your ego and pride get in the way you do not need to be preaching. I have seen pastors strive off their egos being stroked and the moment you question something they belittle you reinforce the bind that they have installed over ones life. I choose to live differently now and whats so annoying is that when I tell people, I’m not religious they instantly go “ you need to come to my church!” sis what the fuck your church got going on that I NEED to go. Let me be more clear, religion isn’t for me and I have denounced christian church values from my life. However when I look in the mirror and speak positive affirmations on my life, I’m at church. When I go from downward dog into a headstand while breathing and acknowledging everything in me and around me, I’m at church. So again, what the fuck does your church got going on that I need to go? Bigger lights, a bomb ass choir ? What is it? All of that sounds good but when the going gets tough, where was your church baby? I don’t say any of this to offend I simply just find it rude when people force their religion on me. And thats something I also had to realize, the only reason I was in church is because I was told to. I was told I would literally DIE if if stopped going to church…fun fact, I’m still here.

I think the melatonin is kicking in now and I’m running out of words but my fingers are still going. And I feel like with each word I’m taking a deep exhale. Im removing the thoughts and ideas that were cluttering my mind but I want to just say this before I wrap it up. Men have to do better. As a man, I cannot be the voice for all men and I cannot vouch for a species that has continuously shown to be worthless. Men, we must hold ourselves to a higher standard in order to be an asset to our female counterparts. This is more than intimacy and stepping up to the plate. It’s simply just do better. Women are losing hope and they are finding more ways than one to not deal with men at all. We have to stop thinking about the sexual aspect of womanhood but we have to see womanhood as something sacred that needs to be protected and uplifted. Women do not need us however we need to see how much we need women. Allow her to educate you and it doesn’t have to be your wife or your girlfriend or anyone along those lines. It is our duty to protect the woman. Once we get to a humble place of acknowledging that this universe is woman and she is the dominant force we will begin to live in peace. Women I apologize on my behalf and my behalf only because again, I’m not the voice of all men. But I apologize for not living up to your standard of being a protector in any situation and I am open for all criticism in order to be uplifted. I will never have the honor of truly understanding what it is like to be a woman however, I come from a long line of strong women and I know the most I could do is protect the woman.

Thats all I have , thank you for this space. Thank you for engaging and thank you for allowing me to ramble unapologetically. I feel better.

-Beanz Out