Another Year…Another Post

2018 has taught me the importance of self. Self analyzation, self recognition, self care, self love. A lot of good has transpired this year for me which caused me to search within and figure some shit out.

As I sit on the train in Paris, I realize that this year has thrown me so many curve balls and brought me to some of my lowest points. Suicide, heart breaks, financial turmoil, this list can go on for miles. But I also see the lessons in everything that I’ve been through.

2018 has taught me to accept the things that we don’t want to accept. The ugly parts of ourselves that we don’t want to admit to. The deep dark secrets that we don’t even want God to know about. But I’ve learned that the same things that I found ugly had so much beauty in it. It was just up to me to see it.

I remember telling myself at the beginning of the year that I would be extremely mindful of what , where and who I put my energy into. My energy is my most valuable asset. My energy is truly all I have left. My energy is what will continue to live on once I pass, so I MUST be mindful of what I do with it. Protecting my energy has caused new relationships to form as others have fallen to the waste side. Protecting my energy taught me how to love even when I was given hate. My energy is scared. My energy is needed in so many spaces at different times. But it must be protected at all cost.

I’ve stopped making resolutions. I’ve stopped applying pressure to myself that wasn’t necessary. I will continue to operate out of love. I will continue to put myself first. I will continue to grow and learn about myself and my surroundings. I just hope and pray 2019 places me where I need to be. Cheers to the new year, and cheers to the things that are no longer. May the light continue to guide me and may my shoes continue to be magnificent. I love you. Forever. Happy New Year.

-Beanz Out

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Kee-Kee…

I have a hard time understanding why some people of color what to identify as white. I mean, in this day and age we have white people who don’t even want to identify as white so, why the fuck would you continue living in a lie? Life must really suck when you have to identify with a group of people who live in a world that’s basically made up.

White people tell themselves they are the superior race. How is a race that has no culture superior ? I mean what do white people actually have? McDonald’s and old navy? ….that’s all I can really think of. White people have literally taken bits and pieces of other cultures to create their own. All they are know for is killing, destroying, rape , lies and utter bullshit.

I understand in a society that believes that white is right how easy it is to hate your true race but at what point do you wake up and say enough is enough? When does the ignorance end? When I think about black culture and Latinx culture and Asian culture how rich it is, I question why wouldn’t you want to identify with them? There’s so much more to be proud of as a person of color. There’s so much to look up to. It feels good to identify with a race that has so many other things to be proud about instead of conquering and destroying and then stealing .

It saddens me that these ideas that “white is the way” still exist. Especially with all the advancements of people of color. It saddens me that my majority Mexican students don’t identify with their Mexican culture and then look down on anyone who does. And that’s the part I don’t get. That’s the case with so many Latinx. How is your name Martinez, Ramirez, Rodriguez, De La Cruz, Longoria, Hernandez(I could go on for days), and you still identify with white? Not only that, you look down on anything that isn’t white?

It wouldn’t be in my character to not call out all the bullshit in which we live in. In the black community we love to disassociate ourselves with anything that has been deemed “ghetto”. When I think of ghetto a small town pops in my head, and that’s College Station, Texas. A town that consist of 80.5% white people. There were people fighting in cow boy boots. Yelling. Unnecessary chanting. Out right DISGRACEFUL. That’s what i think of as ghetto. Thugs ( read White People) disturbing the peace. Not our clothes, not our hair- our meaning Black People, our style. We are the civilized ones and we MUST stop demeaning our kin because of our natural blackness. Everyone wants this- embrace it.

I’m just saying, your life must REALLY SUCK if you have to live in a world believing you are apart of group but know that same group don’t give a fuck about you.

I’m Not Sure Honestly

I’m starting to wonder if I overthink things. For instance, I’m always super aware of my leg space when sitting next to others especially females. I just feel as if I should do my small part and not man spread. But it’s like am I the only one thinking about shit like that? Am I overreacting? Am I reaching ? I’m not sure honestly.

As a firm believer that we should all do our part I try to advocate as much as possible and make sure I practice what I preach. I find myself having mental debates about what I should give my energy to and what I shouldn’t. When it comes to women rights, lgbtq+ rights, black rights, brown rights, (insert other oppressed groups I fight for here), I’m just in it. All the way. I find myself naturally doing things to make a point. But at what point am I going to get fed up and just worry about myself? Or am I already coming focused on myself? I’m not sure honestly.

I’m still processing my motives. I’m still processing my actions. So far all I’ve come up with is…this is who I am and i will defend that until the end. We’ve lived in a realm of too many people being content with the way things are. I’m not content with being content when there are so many things to fix. Again I am constantly debating what I should give my energy to. Even when I contemplate my motives I realize that me worrying about myself is apart of fighting the fights I choose to fight. I’m not sure honestly but I feel as if I’m ok exactly where I’m at. Everything I’m doing is exactly what I should be doing. I’m not sure why I felt like writing about this but honestly…everything is okay. I’m not sure what I’m doing honestly ,but honestly…everything is okay…

-Beanz Out

Beauty

Loving you is easy because you’re beautiful.

Daily affirmations and reminders that this too shall pass. Constant positive reinforcement, encouraging me to keep going…and going…and go…ing. The moment I feel like I’m ready to give up I return back to that affirmation…

Loving you is easy because you’re beautiful.

This struggle. This feeling. This desire to give up is shaping me for what is to come. I don’t know what this door leads to but I know I walk in love and loving me requires a humbling process where I am in the trenches. Blind. Cold. In a state of unknown but yet I can still feel my feet and legs moving. Feet don’t fail me now. I’ve come to far. Fuck it’s hard. But brighter days will come.

Loving you is easy.

Even in your ugly and lowest

You are beautiful.

This journey. This shift. This wavelength. Im here.

Beanz .

Mr.Darrius

Mr. Darrius not Mr. Newton.

Darrius is me.

Darrius is who I am in this realm right now.

There is no deeply rooted roots

deeply rooted underneath words

deeply rooted

beneath something else that is something I am not

because

I am darrius. Mr. Darrius

Thats who I am.

Thats who you first see when you look at me

Not Newton but Darrius and then Newton.

I am thankful for those who have come before me

I am honored to be a Newton

But

I am Darrius first. I am

Mr. Darrius