December 1,2017

I’m shedding. Shedding away. Day by day, step by step. The things that once were are no longer. I show gratitude to today for allowing me to enjoy it. I show gratitude to those who came before me that prayed for me to be here, moving and breathing. I show gratitude to the universe for keeping me grounded no matter what wind blows my way I stay, grounded. I show gratitude to God for being God and breathing breath into me every second of my days and for allowing me to embark this journey of daily newness. I’m grateful.

Stepping away and focusing on me was truly what I needed. There’s so many things that I had to leave in order to return to myself. Those things that kept me from my happiness. I found that being who I am is the only thing in this world that is worth fighting for. I have been given the tools in order to be the best and it’s up to me to use these tools. I’m grateful for everything and everyone that I have enjoyed on this journey because even when I didn’t see it, I learned so much. Every experience, had a lesson. Every loss, was a win. Every gain, was another reason to be grateful. I’m ever changing, shape shifting at its finest. And I now know I am exactly where I’m supposed to be today. I’m not sure how I got here but I know, whatever is happening now is supposed to be happening now. I will continue to learn and continue to grow. Thank God for Change, thank God for space, thank God for growth. Thank God.

Beanz Out.

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November

I know I’m not alone when I say, 2017 has by far been the hardest year of my life. So much has changed internally and externally. It’s hard for me to keep up at times and sometimes I lose track of time and things and sometimes even people. I get so indulged in the now that I can’t recall yesterday and I definitely don’t have time to worry about tomorrow. Being tossed around by life isn’t the most enjoyable thing but I had to learn to enjoy whatever life brings me. I had to learn to laugh during the pain. And smile when it hurts. Not that I’m ignoring the struggle or the pain or any other negative force I just had to learn to get thru it. All of that takes a lot of energy.

I tell people all the time to protect your energy. I am the spokesperson for protecting your energy. Thats truly the only thing you cannot get back. You can try to redo things and keep trying and trying again until you get it right but the energy you used to do that will never come back. Was it worth it? In some instances, yes. But in a lot of cases its not. We waste so much energy of frivolous things that we end up hurting ourselves. I have fallen victim to this. I need time to heal and time to replenish my soul. Fall/ Winter is always a hard time for me. My body hurts, I’m tired and I’m cold. I hate being cold and tired at the same time( not fun!). Sometimes we have to separate ourselves from everything and everyone and be a little selfish and focus on ourselves. We deserve the time to be alone and do what we need to do in order to prosper and move forward in life. Self care ladies and gentlemen.

November is my month to disappear for a while. I disconnect from the world for a while to reconnect with myself and listen to what my soul is saying. This is the time I take in order to end the year on a positive note and welcome the new year in with open arms. i REenergize, REprogram, REvive and REplenish. In this time my phone isn’t glued to my hands, I’m not on social media and majority of my time is spent alone. Allow me this time to love myself so that I could continue to love you guys through my blog and daily encounters. I hope to come back with a new mind, heart and stronger spirit. There are things brewing in the pot for me and I can’t wait to come back and share everything with you all. I will return when the time is right just allow me this space and time to figure it out. Love you to the moon and back and back again.

-Beanz Out

October 13, 2017

Sometimes I let my mind roam and explore and take me places that allow me to think deeper. I was riding home from work and I was listening to I Wanna Be Like You by Ibeyi. I was listening to the lyrics and the power in these women’s voice and I was captivated instantly. I started to listen deeper to get a better understanding of what the song was about. I started to think about the complex of age and how when we’re younger we wish to be older and when we’re older we wish we were younger. I realize how unappreciative we are as humans naturally. We are never content with what we are given. The innocence and freeness of a child is something I wish I still had. The joy of a child that I didn’t think to embrace and hold onto as long as I could have when I was younger. It’s deeper than just not having any bills or no responsibilities. It’s the freeness I miss most. Little person in a big world of unknowns without any sort of presumptions or knowing of what is coming next. Your mind can’t even process what is next in a lot of situations. As an adult, we base what we do next based off a prior experience. Doesn’t matter how optimistic we may seem there’s a sense of pessimism in us when it comes to certain situations due to a prior experience and there’s nothing wrong with that. But imagine if we lived our lives like adult sized kids who just were full of questions and unknowns and we didn’t let these unknowns scare us we kind of just went with them and moved forward accordingly. Imagine us taking in the wisdom and seeing the light and positivity in all things and embraced the wisdom that is being brought forth from whatever situation at hand. We need to learn to let go more. Just let it go. We’ve been holding on to these presumptions and ideas and ideologies for way to long and it’s holding us up from our next step. We have to break away from our own insecurities and fears and understand they will always be an insecurity and a fear but those insecurities and fears can’t hold us back from experiencing life and practicing our human right to mentally, spiritually, physically and emotionally evolve. We must protect our energy, secure our happiness and love from our hearts. We must start love with ourselves and get back to that kid who was in the unknown who allowed life to teach them what they need to grow into their destiny. Sometimes I let my mind roam and explore and take me places that allow me to think deeper…

September 28, 2017 12:22 A.M.

I sit here and allow my thoughts to take over and do what they need to do. I explore each and every corner of the room in which they take me mentally. I’m aware of my feelings in each room and I am also aware that these rooms do not represent me. I am aware of the fact that I have control of these rooms because without me , they wouldn’t exist. I used to run from these feelings and thoughts but that did not work because they still came, they still exist, they are still present. I can not run from within but I can listen to what is going on within. Listen and watch and take note.

The rooms that my mind like to take me into put me through a number of emotions and a number of thoughts. I try to figure out- how did I get here? Why am I here? Who else is here with me? But I can’t answer any one of those questions which makes me angry to say the least because the one thing I like is to be in know. I don’t know how I got in this room, I don’t know why I’m in this room and as far as I know I’m in this room alone. I’m the only real thing that exist in these rooms. I have control here in these moments where I can stay and live in whatever emotion that the rooms bring or I can humbly say, no. That is not where I am right now, thats not where I need to be right now, lets move forward.

My mind has been on a rampage lately, filling me with anxiety and fear and a number of emotions. I have to constantly remind myself I am here, I am breathing, I am growing. I have to be hyper aware of the issues around me and within me but I have to also remind myself I am not my circumstances but my circumstances are here to teach me and to help me move forward to whatever the next stage is supposed to be for me. I have literally been stuck on dumb for days because of my rooms in my mind. I’ve been wanting to share so much but I couldn’t. I couldn’t articulate myself properly so even share what was happening in these rooms. Between health, politics, fashion and just everyday life I could not properly execute a thought. But again I have to constantly remind myself- I am here, I am breathing, I am growing. Those rooms don’t control me, those thoughts don’t control me. I am in control and I choose everyday to move forward. I’m moving forward and thank you for being here with me.

-Beanz Out

Afropunk Brooklyn 2017

I like to make traditions for myself like running the Peachtree Road Race every year ( I missed it this year), or like buying myself a really expensive pair of shoes for Christmas as a treat yourself gift even though you don’t celebrate the holiday. Another tradition I have is going to Afropunk. I went for the first time last year and it was amazing! So many beautiful people and great music and just an overall good time. Originally, I wanted to go to Afropunk Paris but life happens and things don’t go as planned so I was determined to make to Afropunk Brooklyn.

This year my best pal Alyssa came with me and we drove from Atlanta all the way to Brooklyn, New York. It was a interested ride, learned a lot about one another- it was cool. Once we finally reached New York, I couldn’t hold in my excitement. As soon as you get out of the Holland Tunnel, theres this rush of excitement that takes over your body and all of a sudden your mood changes, your energy¬†shifts, its that New York rush that I fucking live for. If you don’t know, I used to live in New York and if I could afford it I would move back in a heart beat, I love everything about the city. I could do what I want when I want and not have to worry about anyone. New York is where I feel at home.

Theres so much I can discuss about our trip as a whole like, the amazing food we ate! Oh my goodness! We spent so much damn money on food it was ridiculous! But lets focus on the topic at hand, Afropunk. Afropunk is a safe place for people of color to be who they really are. There are no boundaries to creation and thats the beautiful thing that keeps me coming. Theres every shade of brown there and every hair texture that you could possibly think of and everyone feels safe. Not only are there incredible fashions and styles but the music was literally amazing. We had the voice of the modern 20 something year old Sza, then MOTHA of goals Solange, the full bodied goddess Nao, the oh so funky and divine Macy Gray( A-FUCKING-MAZING BY THE FUCKING WAY), the hope for the future Willow Smith, Mr. Smooth & cool Anderson Pak and all kinds of other amazing performers that represented us as a whole. They empowered us with their music and allowed us to forget about all that is going on in the world for two days.

Afropunk is a tradition that I am happy that I added to my life. It allows me to escape for a few days to enjoy myself and enjoy everyone around me. Even when we were pushing and shoving one another to get to the front to feel the full impact of Sza’s performance, there was still love in the air. Since we are on the topic of shoving, moving ¬†forward, I am only doing VIP for festivals. I have reached a point in my life where I can’t deal with the pushing and shoving and the lines and all the foolishness. I don’t think the people who set up Afropunk were prepared for the massive growth of the festival. There were so many people there and yes it was a beautiful sight to see but being in the mix of all the excitement was a lot to deal with at my old age.

I’m glad that Afropunk caters to all people especially us of color. It doesn’t matter what you are into, you are allowed to be that at Afropunk. This year they had a stage dedicated to our black rockers, and thats love. As a fellow man of color who enjoys a good head banging rock song every now and then, it was pleasant to see others come together to bang heads as one. And thats what makes being black so fucking amazing. There is no typical black person because literally we come in so many different forms. We create our own image, we just do our thing. Its a great time to be black no matter what society is trying to do to us. We are lit. Everything about us is lit. And if you need a reminder of that, and this blog doesn’t do enough reminding for you just attend an Afropunk event, you’ll see how lit we really are.