Kee-Kee…

I have a hard time understanding why some people of color what to identify as white. I mean, in this day and age we have white people who don’t even want to identify as white so, why the fuck would you continue living in a lie? Life must really suck when you have to identify with a group of people who live in a world that’s basically made up.

White people tell themselves they are the superior race. How is a race that has no culture superior ? I mean what do white people actually have? McDonald’s and old navy? ….that’s all I can really think of. White people have literally taken bits and pieces of other cultures to create their own. All they are know for is killing, destroying, rape , lies and utter bullshit.

I understand in a society that believes that white is right how easy it is to hate your true race but at what point do you wake up and say enough is enough? When does the ignorance end? When I think about black culture and Latinx culture and Asian culture how rich it is, I question why wouldn’t you want to identify with them? There’s so much more to be proud of as a person of color. There’s so much to look up to. It feels good to identify with a race that has so many other things to be proud about instead of conquering and destroying and then stealing .

It saddens me that these ideas that “white is the way” still exist. Especially with all the advancements of people of color. It saddens me that my majority Mexican students don’t identify with their Mexican culture and then look down on anyone who does. And that’s the part I don’t get. That’s the case with so many Latinx. How is your name Martinez, Ramirez, Rodriguez, De La Cruz, Longoria, Hernandez(I could go on for days), and you still identify with white? Not only that, you look down on anything that isn’t white?

It wouldn’t be in my character to not call out all the bullshit in which we live in. In the black community we love to disassociate ourselves with anything that has been deemed “ghetto”. When I think of ghetto a small town pops in my head, and that’s College Station, Texas. A town that consist of 80.5% white people. There were people fighting in cow boy boots. Yelling. Unnecessary chanting. Out right DISGRACEFUL. That’s what i think of as ghetto. Thugs ( read White People) disturbing the peace. Not our clothes, not our hair- our meaning Black People, our style. We are the civilized ones and we MUST stop demeaning our kin because of our natural blackness. Everyone wants this- embrace it.

I’m just saying, your life must REALLY SUCK if you have to live in a world believing you are apart of group but know that same group don’t give a fuck about you.

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I’m Not Sure Honestly

I’m starting to wonder if I overthink things. For instance, I’m always super aware of my leg space when sitting next to others especially females. I just feel as if I should do my small part and not man spread. But it’s like am I the only one thinking about shit like that? Am I overreacting? Am I reaching ? I’m not sure honestly.

As a firm believer that we should all do our part I try to advocate as much as possible and make sure I practice what I preach. I find myself having mental debates about what I should give my energy to and what I shouldn’t. When it comes to women rights, lgbtq+ rights, black rights, brown rights, (insert other oppressed groups I fight for here), I’m just in it. All the way. I find myself naturally doing things to make a point. But at what point am I going to get fed up and just worry about myself? Or am I already coming focused on myself? I’m not sure honestly.

I’m still processing my motives. I’m still processing my actions. So far all I’ve come up with is…this is who I am and i will defend that until the end. We’ve lived in a realm of too many people being content with the way things are. I’m not content with being content when there are so many things to fix. Again I am constantly debating what I should give my energy to. Even when I contemplate my motives I realize that me worrying about myself is apart of fighting the fights I choose to fight. I’m not sure honestly but I feel as if I’m ok exactly where I’m at. Everything I’m doing is exactly what I should be doing. I’m not sure why I felt like writing about this but honestly…everything is okay. I’m not sure what I’m doing honestly ,but honestly…everything is okay…

-Beanz Out

Beauty

Loving you is easy because you’re beautiful.

Daily affirmations and reminders that this too shall pass. Constant positive reinforcement, encouraging me to keep going…and going…and go…ing. The moment I feel like I’m ready to give up I return back to that affirmation…

Loving you is easy because you’re beautiful.

This struggle. This feeling. This desire to give up is shaping me for what is to come. I don’t know what this door leads to but I know I walk in love and loving me requires a humbling process where I am in the trenches. Blind. Cold. In a state of unknown but yet I can still feel my feet and legs moving. Feet don’t fail me now. I’ve come to far. Fuck it’s hard. But brighter days will come.

Loving you is easy.

Even in your ugly and lowest

You are beautiful.

This journey. This shift. This wavelength. Im here.

Beanz .

Mr.Darrius

Mr. Darrius not Mr. Newton.

Darrius is me.

Darrius is who I am in this realm right now.

There is no deeply rooted roots

deeply rooted underneath words

deeply rooted

beneath something else that is something I am not

because

I am darrius. Mr. Darrius

Thats who I am.

Thats who you first see when you look at me

Not Newton but Darrius and then Newton.

I am thankful for those who have come before me

I am honored to be a Newton

But

I am Darrius first. I am

Mr. Darrius

Anxiety

It’s 1:39AM and my mind is racing and I can’t get it to stop.

My anxiety has taken over and I feel some sort of high that I can’t come down off of.

Is this the end?

What if this is it?

All my hard work, does it end here? What am I doing ?

What am I to do next?

…questions that I can’t answer. Question I demand answers to.

God, ancestors, crystals, sage, moon, earth, stars….

help…me.

Is this the life for me?

Oh anxiety you’re a friend of mine that I try to keep away from. The friend that got me through undergrad. The friend that pushes me to move on and do better. The friend that’s not really a friend but we know one another so well.

Are you here ?

Is it showing?

Am I showing you off or hiding you well? What if they see me?

What if they don’t?

What expectations am I to live up to?

Who made these expectations ?

Fuck those expectations ! You don’t mean that. God but I want to…

I’m scared.

I’m scared …of myself mostly. Scared that I have set the bar too high and I can’t reach it…again I ask…is this it for me…

Doubt and anxiety work hand in hand and being an intellect doesn’t make it any easier. I know to much but remember, be humble. God dammit !! Can I just scream to the heavens that might exist in my nightmares of reality that I can’t fathom to endure. How am I to exist in this current state and I can’t even reach my own expectations and answer my own questions.

…what is this?

…what am I saying?

…what is happening?

…Anxiety …

hey bitch…you’re back again!

What is my truth ? What is my destiny? What answer am I to hold on to?

Why…am… I…this…way…?

I’m lost but I’m supposed to be okay with that right? Someone answer me. Is this a cry for help or simply me releasing the energy that can no longer live in this body. The energy that needs to be exhausted from this body so that this body can continue to walk in whatever peace it found in that moment…do I even make sense…

Anxiety…

you’re one hell of a bitch… that was so good

…Anxiety…

Let’s go another…round…