01:30:2018

I’ve been having a hard time processing information lately. For some reason I feel as if I’m not getting the whole truth in things. Im discerning on another level that makes me question “is there more to this ?” What eventually happens is I end up on this quest for an answer that sits well with me. I dig for the answers that resinates with my spirit but even then I’m still left with the question “is there more to this?” Someone explained to me that this is all apart of the “awakening process” but I’m like, when did I sign up for this ?

Literally, internally I’m at peace with a lot of things and I find myself flowing a lot more fluidly these days and even when I’m on these mini quest of truth I’m still at peace. I’m not racing and pacing all over the place, I’m not freaking out, not losing out on sleep or anything. But it’s not always roses and cotton candy, sometimes I literally feel like I’m losing my shit. When something else is revealed to me I can’t just accept it, I have to process it. During that process I’m like “well why is it that at one point this was said? And am I the only one who sees this happening ?” It’s weird, it’s fun, it’s annoying.

All in all , this is my life. This is my journey. Everything has a purpose and I have given up on trying to figure out what the purpose is, everything will reveal itself in due time. The deeper I dig within myself, the more gold I will find. The more truth I operate in, the more love I will give out. I’m on this journey , no I didn’t sign up for it but someone or something knew this is exactly where I’m supposed to be.

Beanz Out

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Dear White People,

This is an inclusive blog for all people who are interested. But this post right here is for my people off of the melanin scale, hello. My name is Darrius and this is my black ass blog where I talk about my daily life as a black man in America. I’m glad you’re here because it’s story time. Yes, my favorite time. This story is about the time one of your white male counterparts caught these black hands.

I’m out with a friend having a great time. We’re shooting the breeze, minding our business at a local bar in Atlanta. Not to many feet away from us is a group of white people, mostly female with one white guy. They’re playing a game as all of us are (it’s one of those hipster, nostalgic, arcade style bars) and out of no where one of the girls walks up to my friend and ask if she could touch his butt. It was a dare that was apart of their game, he says sure whatever, she does it and walks away. Proud of her for asking permission to invade his personal space and touch his ass (Kudos to Susan, yay Susan), ANYWAYS. The night goes on and I’m talking my shit like I do and all of a sudden this strong tug came upon me. My locs of glory were being attacked and man handled by some white devil. I was SHOOKETH! Yes ladies and gentlemen, this white man- unannounced, grabbed my hair. I grabbed his hand and very strongly and explained to him why thats not okay and why I wasn’t bashing his head into the ground (drinks, long days, not a good combination for a fight). He continued to explain himself saying he was dared to do it, instead of apologizing of course. So me being me, I went on to ask him why me? Out of everyone in here you thought it was okay as a white man to touch another persons hair that you did not know, not only that, you chose to grab another black mans hair. Now, its about to be 2018 we all have seen these Twitter threads and Instagram post about black hair and how it is not an invitation for your white paws, or any paws of that matter to touch black hair.  He couldn’t even respond. He eventually apologized but at this point I’m FURIOUS. But to make a long story short (don’t want to lose you guys before I make a damn point-I babble) two of the females in the group were trying to defend him, we exchanged some hands and my friend pulled me away before it got to crazy and I left.

Now, thats some crazy shit. First off, did your fucking parents not teach you to keep your hands to yourself? You don’t invade someones privacy like that. You’re a grown fucking man and you out here playing truth or dare and thought it was cool to touch someones hair. Then as a white man you chose the black guy who’s shorter than you with glasses and locs. Little did you know JOHN, this shorter black MAN wasn’t raised to be WEAK or to be treated as LESS THAN. JOHN( read white people), I speak on behalf of the black community when I say, we have the strength and courage of our ancestors but we are NOT our ancestors. WE WILL FUCK YOU UP! I don’t give a rats damn who you think you are, who someone told you were. Your privilege does not reign supreme. Your privilege will get you fucked up. No questions asked. Secondly, it is not your place Susan( read white people) to try to defend this act of privilege in which your white counterpart,John decided to act upon. You can know about the issues within the black community , know the history, understand that black lives do matter but baby girl, you will never be able to explain a black issue to another black person because you have not had the HONOR of walking around as a black person in a white ruled America. You can do all the research in the world but you will truly never get it. It is not up to you to try to explain what happened and why, I know whats up. However, you knew in your heart that something about this was wrong and should be stopped, but you didnt. So no Susan( read white people), I do not want to hear you out.

This situation is an ongoing issue in the white community. I know for a fact that not all white people are bad but I hate seeing privilege go to waste. It is up to white people to talk to other white people and explain to them why it isn’t okay to cross these boundaries. Why you can’t say nigga/er , why you cant touch another persons hair and why its even more offensive to touch a black persons hair, why black lives matter isn’t a hate group, why black lives matter. You can be invited to the cookout but you cant have a seat at the table unless you are doing your part. As my dad used to say, ” A man who doesn’t cook, doesn’t eat.” If you don’t contribute to the table, you cant eat from the table. I was mad but I’m not anymore. I stood my ground regardless of what the outcome could’ve been. As Malcolm X said, ” A man who doesn’t stand for something will fall for anything. ” I know something clicked in someones head tonight. At the least people will now know what could possibly happen if they cross that boundary. I will continue to discuss these issues and I hope you do too.

-Beanz Out

Acceptance of Self+Self Love= Happiness

For years I carried so much on my shoulders. I carried my skin as burden instead of a God given honorable shield. I carried societies standard of masculinity instead of defining manhood for myself. Eventually I grew tired. I grew tired of constantly fighting myself from myself. I was covering up who I truly was because I was scared of what other people would think or the fear of making someone else uncomfortable. As a nonconforming black male, you never know how people will accept you. After some time I stopped caring. I had to realize that I was the only thing that really mattered. It was my peace and happiness that was truly at risk.

We hide behind so many veils in order to conform to society and not to step on any toes. Under these veils we lose ourselves and we miss out on our potential. I had to accept all of my good and accept all of my bad in order for me to move forward in life. I stopped acknowledging what people told me was “bad” and turned the “bad” into moments of self observation. How is being myself bad? What makes these things bad? Who deemed it bad? And who the fuck are you to tell me, a grown ass man, that something about me is bad? Just because my life doesn’t necessarily align with your belief system and how you feel doesn’t make it bad.

Unfortunately we live in a white patriarchal, hyper-masculine society where young black  boys and girls are told their skin color makes them less than and that their hair isn’t straight enough or long enough. Basically that we will never be enough. This was my reality. For years I hated my skin color, I wanted to be lighter. Lighter would equal more people liking me. Lighter would equal more opportunities. Lighter was better in my eyes. When I first started to accept my skin color, it wasn’t because I genuinely loved my  complexion. It was because people liked my skin color. So in my head I’m like “Yes I’m accepted”. It wasn’t until college honestly that I truly loved my skin color. I realized it was mine. MY SKIN COLOR. No one else in this universe has MY SKIN COLOR. I realized that it holds magic and that I would do whatever the fuck I wanted because the DNA that ran through me came from people who looked just liked me who made shit shake. Once I accepted the love of me and my skin thats when I started to love everything else. My hair. For years I would spend half of my weekends in the barber shop in order to keep up the clean black boy look. Waves on swim, hairline so sharp I could slice you open with it with one strike. I even grew out my beard because someone else told me it was the thing to do, made me more attractive in a sense. Its been a year now with no haircut and I now have locs and I’m beardless. These were my decisions to love every strand of hair that grew from my head in its natural state. My beard did not define me. I now make decisions based on whats right for me and the spirit within helps me and guides me to making these decisions. I made the choice to not conform to what people and society claimed as acceptable. I choose what is acceptable for me everyday in that moment.

Once I accepted me for all the magic that I am, I gained my happiness back. The years I spent trying to please others is gone, I can’t get those back. The years under white rule are gone, I can’t get those back. But today I am striving to be the best version of Darrius Newton I can be. God has given me the tools to succeed its up to me to use them. My nappy glory, golden skin that turns blue under the moon’s light and my abundance of love that exudes through my pours will always be me. And I love every moment of it. I define who I am as a man and theres nothing anyone could say or do to change that. Love yourself , love others, spread happiness.

Beanz Out

November

I know I’m not alone when I say, 2017 has by far been the hardest year of my life. So much has changed internally and externally. It’s hard for me to keep up at times and sometimes I lose track of time and things and sometimes even people. I get so indulged in the now that I can’t recall yesterday and I definitely don’t have time to worry about tomorrow. Being tossed around by life isn’t the most enjoyable thing but I had to learn to enjoy whatever life brings me. I had to learn to laugh during the pain. And smile when it hurts. Not that I’m ignoring the struggle or the pain or any other negative force I just had to learn to get thru it. All of that takes a lot of energy.

I tell people all the time to protect your energy. I am the spokesperson for protecting your energy. Thats truly the only thing you cannot get back. You can try to redo things and keep trying and trying again until you get it right but the energy you used to do that will never come back. Was it worth it? In some instances, yes. But in a lot of cases its not. We waste so much energy of frivolous things that we end up hurting ourselves. I have fallen victim to this. I need time to heal and time to replenish my soul. Fall/ Winter is always a hard time for me. My body hurts, I’m tired and I’m cold. I hate being cold and tired at the same time( not fun!). Sometimes we have to separate ourselves from everything and everyone and be a little selfish and focus on ourselves. We deserve the time to be alone and do what we need to do in order to prosper and move forward in life. Self care ladies and gentlemen.

November is my month to disappear for a while. I disconnect from the world for a while to reconnect with myself and listen to what my soul is saying. This is the time I take in order to end the year on a positive note and welcome the new year in with open arms. i REenergize, REprogram, REvive and REplenish. In this time my phone isn’t glued to my hands, I’m not on social media and majority of my time is spent alone. Allow me this time to love myself so that I could continue to love you guys through my blog and daily encounters. I hope to come back with a new mind, heart and stronger spirit. There are things brewing in the pot for me and I can’t wait to come back and share everything with you all. I will return when the time is right just allow me this space and time to figure it out. Love you to the moon and back and back again.

-Beanz Out

Fall is Here

Fall for me is time to lay down my burdens. It’s time for me to recoup in a sense. This past summer was a lot for me. There was to much going and I was constantly moving. I had a blast but now I need to refocus and recoup. I need time to prepare for whatever is next. The leaves start to change and so do I. As I do everyday.

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I told myself this past summer that I would shy away from wearing all black. I bought brighter colors, a lot of grays and played with more patterns. But summer is over- what do I do now? I said I’ll keep the trend going and mix it up a little bit. Blacks with a pop color or my favorite, olive green. The plan is to match nature in a sense. As it changes so will I. Stay true to my roots (black and simple) but change when needed.

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I love fall is one of my favorite seasons honestly. Simply because it’s not to hot and it’s not to cold. In Atlanta, Mother Nature can’t make up her mind as to what she wants to do. But it’s okay because I’ve been giving looks.

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I’m excited to see what all this season has to bring and what lessons I’ll learn. I’m also looking forward to how my style will change and evolve to match my environment.