Sometimes I let my mind roam and explore and take me places that allow me to think deeper. I was riding home from work and I was listening to I Wanna Be Like You by Ibeyi. I was listening to the lyrics and the power in these women’s voice and I was captivated instantly. I started to listen deeper to get a better understanding of what the song was about. I started to think about the complex of age and how when we’re younger we wish to be older and when we’re older we wish we were younger. I realize how unappreciative we are as humans naturally. We are never content with what we are given. The innocence and freeness of a child is something I wish I still had. The joy of a child that I didn’t think to embrace and hold onto as long as I could have when I was younger. It’s deeper than just not having any bills or no responsibilities. It’s the freeness I miss most. Little person in a big world of unknowns without any sort of presumptions or knowing of what is coming next. Your mind can’t even process what is next in a lot of situations. As an adult, we base what we do next based off a prior experience. Doesn’t matter how optimistic we may seem there’s a sense of pessimism in us when it comes to certain situations due to a prior experience and there’s nothing wrong with that. But imagine if we lived our lives like adult sized kids who just were full of questions and unknowns and we didn’t let these unknowns scare us we kind of just went with them and moved forward accordingly. Imagine us taking in the wisdom and seeing the light and positivity in all things and embraced the wisdom that is being brought forth from whatever situation at hand. We need to learn to let go more. Just let it go. We’ve been holding on to these presumptions and ideas and ideologies for way to long and it’s holding us up from our next step. We have to break away from our own insecurities and fears and understand they will always be an insecurity and a fear but those insecurities and fears can’t hold us back from experiencing life and practicing our human right to mentally, spiritually, physically and emotionally evolve. We must protect our energy, secure our happiness and love from our hearts. We must start love with ourselves and get back to that kid who was in the unknown who allowed life to teach them what they need to grow into their destiny. Sometimes I let my mind roam and explore and take me places that allow me to think deeper…
I’ve been trying to incorporate more color into my wardrobe and I must say it’s been fun. Every few months I try different looks and see how they work for me. I’ve been trying to get away from the edgy, oversized, I might do drugs in an alley look and go into a more edgy yet clean line, if I do drugs it’s designer drugs and in the comfort of my home so no one knows, look. And it’s been working for me. (No I don’t do drugs mom relax !)
The hardest thing for me has been like getting up and thinking, what do I wear? I’m used to going in closet grabbing a top(black) a pair of pants(black) and my shoes. The hardest part used to be what shoes to wear. Now it’s, what the hell do I wear? But I’ll get used to this.
Shoes: Comme des Garcons
I’ve been having a hard time reconnecting with myself. I have been so caught up in the hoopla that I feel like I wasn’t being me.Unfortunately, I was giving to much of my energy to the wrong things and people which caused me to lose myself for a while. I couldn’t articulate my thoughts, I couldn’t process things correctly. Then on top of that, summer school decided to turn up on me out of no where. So there I was, stuck and tired. Stuck in a place that I wasn’t familiar with and couldnt tell you how I got there. I just knew this place wasn’t allowing me to be myself. Earlier this week I told myself, I’m letting it go. I didn’t know what it was but I woke up and said, I’m letting this go. And I did. I realized that the reason why I was in this place of being stuck and tired is because I chose to stay there. I was choosing to stay in this place that kept me from being myself,kept me from opening up, kept me down. And the reason why I stayed there is because something in me felt safe there. “They can’t find me here” I told myself out of fear of being myself. I had given myself, my energy, my greatness to so many people who didnt deserve it, waste of time. People who were the result of “wyd” text and thoughts of boredom. My energy was off. My equilibrium was off. I was off. So I put myself in this place where I was drained and tired and I rested there. But I had to get out. I couldn’t let a few fuck ups get me out of whack.
I woke up today July 1,2017 with new energy, new thoughts, newness. Everything in my life is new. I have new people in my life occupying my time and we’re good. I have new struggles I haven’t dealt with before, but I will handle them. I have new goals and I can’t achieve those goals in that unfamiliar place of replenishment that kept me away from me. I’m here, I’m back and I’m happy to be here. Happy to be back in the now. Protect your energy, your body, your heart, your soul. Take that time you need to unplug but don’t forget to plug back in and be great.
Let’s get into this jacket ladies and gentleman. Let’s talk about this crazy deal I stumbled upon while riding around Atlanta and my friend randomly wanting to stop at Urban Outifitters. Now I have a rule about shopping at Urban Outiftters, if it isn’t on sale, PUT IT BACK! Literally, the majority of that stuff you can find at a thrift store, or on some hipster’s Etsy account. Where’s the lie? However, I don’t have time to search thrift stores and online shopping is a hassle so I just wait until Urban is having a sale. I could always wait on clothes. But that’s the problem, I always tell myself I could wait on clothes and end up with shoes for days with nothing to wear. So, I’ve been shopping. Reinventing my look (again). Trying to incorporate a little more color to my wardrobe. The sad part is someway, somehow I always result to buying something black or olive green or grey, those are like my go to colors. However, I saw this jacket and I had to have it. The site says $29.99 but I definitely paid $20. (Urban is weird like that)
I’ve been neglecting my denim. These are my favorite Joe’s jeans that I bought three years ago. I have ripped these jeans more times than I can count but I love them so I just get them patched up. I have a jeans about designer jeans and that’s just buy one pair a year. They’re supposed to last like forever so you don’t need to spend all your money on a pair everytime you go shopping. I have bought some cheap little H&M jeans and some BDG as well but their exactly that, cheap little jeans that if I wash and dry probably won’t fit the same.
I enjoyed this look. Felt great to wear. Got a lot of compliments and that jacket will be a staple in my wardrobe that will transition well into any season.
This is my ode to twenty-one. The year of a lot of alcohol, a lot of why the fuck and what the fuck and lessons. I learned a lot this past year, I over analyzed every situation to figure out is this for me? Is this what I really want? I asked so many questions at twenty-one and I got so many answers. I want to thank everyone who allowed me to just be twenty-one and enjoy whatever it had for me. Allowing me to figure out who I even was and what was right for me in the moment. Thank you.
21 things that twenty-one taught me
- This is who I am. There are many things about ourselves that we wish we could change and we wish we didn’t do and blah blah blah but, I remember at some point I just said shit, I’m tired! I’m tired of what I’m supposed to be, or what I’m supposed to do. That’s not me! I eventually had to look at all my ugly and my filth and say, this is me dammit! I can’t change that thing right now but that’s who I am at this moment. But I have life which allows me to change as it goes. I need this part of me right now to get me to the next stage of my life and for that I’m okay with me. I want to go to that next stage and I can’t if I’m continuously comparing what I am and what I’m supposed to be. I don’t know what I’m supposed to be so I’m going to let life figure that out for me. In the meantime I’m going to pray for better days, keeps my vibrations high and check them when they are low. I will do well for myself to do well unto others. The things that I can’t stand will turn into the things that I love because they make me who I am. And I to recognize I will not be here forever, life changes and I change. I am me.
- Vegan is not for me. I love cheese and I love bread! I just can’t let it go, I tried but no I can’t! I literally put cheese on everything and if there is a biscuit incorporated in my meal I’m the happiest man alive. When I was off dairy, yes I felt amazing. There were no headaches, energy was up and all that which is why I watch my cheese(dairy) intake but I have not deleted diary completely out my diet. One day maybe but right now, extra cheese on my burrito please !
- I’ve had enough of Atlanta. I’m ready to move! Okay, hear me out. I love the city of Atlanta, beautiful city, lots of cool people and places. But has anyone been watching the news lately? Atlanta is falling apart and I don’t have time for it. Like what the hell is actually going on? Sinkholes? Really? Is this really happening? Traffic is a bitch and a half and the train is over capacity at this point(as I write this on the train). Atlanta was not made for all these people and there is a new damn condo being built every time I blink my eye. Atlanta is my new home but I have to relocate while they fix their life.
- The concept of, there’s a reason for that. I question everything literally I think my most used word besides whatever is why. I ask why so much I even question my motives. Why did I do that ? Why do I think that way? I asked myself why so much I started doubting myself and that’s a no,no. Once you start doubting yourself you literally will stop yourself from doing what you really want to do. Or you stop yourself from fulfilling your full potential. So I just did what I knew best, go with the flow. I let control go. I just made sure I was in the right place mentally, physically and emotionally and I just went with the flow. I thought I had everything planned out but my ancestors apparently spoke with God before I did and had everything already planned out. Every door that closed allowed me to find a path to another door, a bigger and brighter door. The journey might have been a struggle but I’m still alive to talk about and I’m ok with that. I will never forget what my pastor told me “Time flys by when you’re having fun!” And let me tell you something Beany Babies, when you let go on control, life is an adventure park.
- Being black is grand.We already knew that but, I just felt like this was an appropriate time to remind you of how lit being black is. Don’t believe me? Read the previous post(s) before this one, black is great. That’s all.
- Sometimes, its best to not walk away but face it and deal with it. Things get hard and you want to quit and just throw in the towel especially if you don’t see the benefit of what you are doing. But let’s change the way we think. You could learn from those hard moments, that’s where growth happens. Think about a flower, before it blooms it has to break through the shell of the seed then it has to push through soil and rocks and all the other critters in the soil. Then the flower gets tired and loses energy but boom! Here comes some water and it’s ready to go again and it’s back pushing and striving to make it to the top to live out its full potential. Time goes by, after pushing and fighting it breaks ground and peaks it’s head but the journey isn’t over yet. It need water and sunlight to keep it growing and to keep it going. More time goes by and finally we have a beautiful flower. All the time and all the fighting that flower had to go through was worth it because now it’s a beautiful part of this world. That’s our life. We have to keep going take in our nutrients on the way so we too can be a beautiful flower on this earth and so on. Hold on Beany Babies. Hold. On.
- Let it go. Just throw it away. Don’t be so attached to it. It’s ok. Let it go. Take that however you need to. It could be a thing, person, mindset, whatever. Throw it away.
- I’m happiest when I’m eating. I’ve always known my source of true happiness came from food but it’s really a thing now like when I’m not eating I’m thinking about eating and the thought usually turns into action. Cutting out meat has done something to my appetite, I’m a serious snacker. It’s getting to the point now where I’m starting to carry snacks in my bags for those “oh some popcorn would be amazing in this traffic” moments. I don’t need help, I just need food.
- I’m not that much of an asshole as people make me out to be. I’m blunt as all hell and I hit the core. I say the things you need to hear and that’s that. We’re too wrapped up in our emotions sometimes, we need to be cut sometimes. That’s why I’m here, Edward Scissor Hands, cutting up.
- I don’t have a favorite color. I like different colors at different times of my life. Like right now, yellow is my color. It’s so bright and inviting. But last month it was mint green. Just depends.
- You only have 4 friends: God, Water, Wine and Coffee. No matter what the occasion those four are always there for you, trust me.
- Sage doesn’t stink. My dad used to burn our house down to the ground with sage and I used to hate it with every bone in my body. When I moved into my new place there was a thick paint smell. I tried everything I could think of to eliminate the smell then I remembered the good ol’ sage stick. Now I’m a sage burning, tea drinking, neo-soul playing mother shut yo mouth! Sage is a cleansing agent actually, it helps eliminate odors and cleanses your air overall. Which is great for me!
- Theres no such thing as to many shoes. Shut up and buy the damn shoes.
- I actually like kids. For the longest I could not stand children. I believed they were the spawns of Satan and I wanted nothing to do with them. Well I actually decided to work with kids and in the near future I’ll actually be teaching in front of a classroom for two-year(still un-fucking real). Kids are awesome actually! They still are the works of evil but they have a very interesting perspective on things that allow you to sit back and go, hmm. And they give you a dose of real you were not ready for. I know understand the whole “Kids are the future” mobojumbo. I’m excited to talk to kids now and hear them out because literally they just want someone to listen to them and go you know what, that is awesome that you feel that way and this is why…blah blah blah.
- Black hair is a journey of its own. In November I decided that I was going to grow my hair out into this big massive afro of black boy joy and was going to love it. Let me tell you something, any woman, man or anything with natural hair please applaud them every time you see them because it’s a process just to walk out the house sometimes. From the deep conditioning, twist out, comb outs, oil and water concoctions, the avocado hair masque, IT NEVER ENDS! All in the name of #hairgoals . But there is a no joy like the joy of a fleeky twist out, NONE!
- My cut off game still strong.
- I can’t Tumblr anymore. It was a sad day when I deleted the Tumblr app off my phone. I have had my Tumblr since sophomore year of high school so you could only imagine the amount of trash that polluted my dashboard. I got to a point where it was just like, no. I can’t. It’s not you, its me.
- I have a voice. People actually hear me. For the longest I thought I was just a whisper in the winds but apparently people actually hear me and be feeling me. I’m not cocky about it or anything but it’s just like woah! Y’all hear me ? Cool. I really just be talking a lot of shit but thank y’all for listening to my shit.
- Hats are life. Without hats, what would I be?
- Thick thighs save lives. They really do!
- I’m a fucking adult ! Oh my goodness! Like I actually use my brain now, I make better decisions. I’m really getting old. I’m finally maturing and honestly I’m ok with it. I have really good people around me and we’re constantly exchanging wisdom with one another and literally I’m very thankful for them.
Twenty- one has been a year full of adventures. A lot of things just didn’t make sense but I enjoyed every moment. There were ups , a lot of ups and there were downs. The downs motivated me to go up and the ups motivated me to keep going. Thank you twenty-one for kicking my ass and being awesome AF. AF AF AF ! Thank you for the people I’ve met and the people I no longer see. Thank you for the memories and the moments that got me here writing this post about your awesomeness. Twenty-one, you my nigga for life. Tell twenty-two not to suck ass and just turn up, turn up just because. No age will ever compare to you but it’s only up from here. Thank you Twenty-One , let’s rock Twenty-Two.