I’ve been having a hard time processing information lately. For some reason I feel as if I’m not getting the whole truth in things. Im discerning on another level that makes me question “is there more to this ?” What eventually happens is I end up on this quest for an answer that sits well with me. I dig for the answers that resinates with my spirit but even then I’m still left with the question “is there more to this?” Someone explained to me that this is all apart of the “awakening process” but I’m like, when did I sign up for this ?
Literally, internally I’m at peace with a lot of things and I find myself flowing a lot more fluidly these days and even when I’m on these mini quest of truth I’m still at peace. I’m not racing and pacing all over the place, I’m not freaking out, not losing out on sleep or anything. But it’s not always roses and cotton candy, sometimes I literally feel like I’m losing my shit. When something else is revealed to me I can’t just accept it, I have to process it. During that process I’m like “well why is it that at one point this was said? And am I the only one who sees this happening ?” It’s weird, it’s fun, it’s annoying.
All in all , this is my life. This is my journey. Everything has a purpose and I have given up on trying to figure out what the purpose is, everything will reveal itself in due time. The deeper I dig within myself, the more gold I will find. The more truth I operate in, the more love I will give out. I’m on this journey , no I didn’t sign up for it but someone or something knew this is exactly where I’m supposed to be.
For years I carried so much on my shoulders. I carried my skin as burden instead of a God given honorable shield. I carried societies standard of masculinity instead of defining manhood for myself. Eventually I grew tired. I grew tired of constantly fighting myself from myself. I was covering up who I truly was because I was scared of what other people would think or the fear of making someone else uncomfortable. As a nonconforming black male, you never know how people will accept you. After some time I stopped caring. I had to realize that I was the only thing that really mattered. It was my peace and happiness that was truly at risk.
We hide behind so many veils in order to conform to society and not to step on any toes. Under these veils we lose ourselves and we miss out on our potential. I had to accept all of my good and accept all of my bad in order for me to move forward in life. I stopped acknowledging what people told me was “bad” and turned the “bad” into moments of self observation. How is being myself bad? What makes these things bad? Who deemed it bad? And who the fuck are you to tell me, a grown ass man, that something about me is bad? Just because my life doesn’t necessarily align with your belief system and how you feel doesn’t make it bad.
Unfortunately we live in a white patriarchal, hyper-masculine society where young black boys and girls are told their skin color makes them less than and that their hair isn’t straight enough or long enough. Basically that we will never be enough. This was my reality. For years I hated my skin color, I wanted to be lighter. Lighter would equal more people liking me. Lighter would equal more opportunities. Lighter was better in my eyes. When I first started to accept my skin color, it wasn’t because I genuinely loved my complexion. It was because people liked my skin color. So in my head I’m like “Yes I’m accepted”. It wasn’t until college honestly that I truly loved my skin color. I realized it was mine. MY SKIN COLOR. No one else in this universe has MY SKIN COLOR. I realized that it holds magic and that I would do whatever the fuck I wanted because the DNA that ran through me came from people who looked just liked me who made shit shake. Once I accepted the love of me and my skin thats when I started to love everything else. My hair. For years I would spend half of my weekends in the barber shop in order to keep up the clean black boy look. Waves on swim, hairline so sharp I could slice you open with it with one strike. I even grew out my beard because someone else told me it was the thing to do, made me more attractive in a sense. Its been a year now with no haircut and I now have locs and I’m beardless. These were my decisions to love every strand of hair that grew from my head in its natural state. My beard did not define me. I now make decisions based on whats right for me and the spirit within helps me and guides me to making these decisions. I made the choice to not conform to what people and society claimed as acceptable. I choose what is acceptable for me everyday in that moment.
Once I accepted me for all the magic that I am, I gained my happiness back. The years I spent trying to please others is gone, I can’t get those back. The years under white rule are gone, I can’t get those back. But today I am striving to be the best version of Darrius Newton I can be. God has given me the tools to succeed its up to me to use them. My nappy glory, golden skin that turns blue under the moon’s light and my abundance of love that exudes through my pours will always be me. And I love every moment of it. I define who I am as a man and theres nothing anyone could say or do to change that. Love yourself , love others, spread happiness.
I know I’m not alone when I say, 2017 has by far been the hardest year of my life. So much has changed internally and externally. It’s hard for me to keep up at times and sometimes I lose track of time and things and sometimes even people. I get so indulged in the now that I can’t recall yesterday and I definitely don’t have time to worry about tomorrow. Being tossed around by life isn’t the most enjoyable thing but I had to learn to enjoy whatever life brings me. I had to learn to laugh during the pain. And smile when it hurts. Not that I’m ignoring the struggle or the pain or any other negative force I just had to learn to get thru it. All of that takes a lot of energy.
I tell people all the time to protect your energy. I am the spokesperson for protecting your energy. Thats truly the only thing you cannot get back. You can try to redo things and keep trying and trying again until you get it right but the energy you used to do that will never come back. Was it worth it? In some instances, yes. But in a lot of cases its not. We waste so much energy of frivolous things that we end up hurting ourselves. I have fallen victim to this. I need time to heal and time to replenish my soul. Fall/ Winter is always a hard time for me. My body hurts, I’m tired and I’m cold. I hate being cold and tired at the same time( not fun!). Sometimes we have to separate ourselves from everything and everyone and be a little selfish and focus on ourselves. We deserve the time to be alone and do what we need to do in order to prosper and move forward in life. Self care ladies and gentlemen.
November is my month to disappear for a while. I disconnect from the world for a while to reconnect with myself and listen to what my soul is saying. This is the time I take in order to end the year on a positive note and welcome the new year in with open arms. i REenergize, REprogram, REvive and REplenish. In this time my phone isn’t glued to my hands, I’m not on social media and majority of my time is spent alone. Allow me this time to love myself so that I could continue to love you guys through my blog and daily encounters. I hope to come back with a new mind, heart and stronger spirit. There are things brewing in the pot for me and I can’t wait to come back and share everything with you all. I will return when the time is right just allow me this space and time to figure it out. Love you to the moon and back and back again.
Fall for me is time to lay down my burdens. It’s time for me to recoup in a sense. This past summer was a lot for me. There was to much going and I was constantly moving. I had a blast but now I need to refocus and recoup. I need time to prepare for whatever is next. The leaves start to change and so do I. As I do everyday.
I told myself this past summer that I would shy away from wearing all black. I bought brighter colors, a lot of grays and played with more patterns. But summer is over- what do I do now? I said I’ll keep the trend going and mix it up a little bit. Blacks with a pop color or my favorite, olive green. The plan is to match nature in a sense. As it changes so will I. Stay true to my roots (black and simple) but change when needed.
I love fall is one of my favorite seasons honestly. Simply because it’s not to hot and it’s not to cold. In Atlanta, Mother Nature can’t make up her mind as to what she wants to do. But it’s okay because I’ve been giving looks.
I’m excited to see what all this season has to bring and what lessons I’ll learn. I’m also looking forward to how my style will change and evolve to match my environment.
Sometimes I let my mind roam and explore and take me places that allow me to think deeper. I was riding home from work and I was listening to I Wanna Be Like You by Ibeyi. I was listening to the lyrics and the power in these women’s voice and I was captivated instantly. I started to listen deeper to get a better understanding of what the song was about. I started to think about the complex of age and how when we’re younger we wish to be older and when we’re older we wish we were younger. I realize how unappreciative we are as humans naturally. We are never content with what we are given. The innocence and freeness of a child is something I wish I still had. The joy of a child that I didn’t think to embrace and hold onto as long as I could have when I was younger. It’s deeper than just not having any bills or no responsibilities. It’s the freeness I miss most. Little person in a big world of unknowns without any sort of presumptions or knowing of what is coming next. Your mind can’t even process what is next in a lot of situations. As an adult, we base what we do next based off a prior experience. Doesn’t matter how optimistic we may seem there’s a sense of pessimism in us when it comes to certain situations due to a prior experience and there’s nothing wrong with that. But imagine if we lived our lives like adult sized kids who just were full of questions and unknowns and we didn’t let these unknowns scare us we kind of just went with them and moved forward accordingly. Imagine us taking in the wisdom and seeing the light and positivity in all things and embraced the wisdom that is being brought forth from whatever situation at hand. We need to learn to let go more. Just let it go. We’ve been holding on to these presumptions and ideas and ideologies for way to long and it’s holding us up from our next step. We have to break away from our own insecurities and fears and understand they will always be an insecurity and a fear but those insecurities and fears can’t hold us back from experiencing life and practicing our human right to mentally, spiritually, physically and emotionally evolve. We must protect our energy, secure our happiness and love from our hearts. We must start love with ourselves and get back to that kid who was in the unknown who allowed life to teach them what they need to grow into their destiny. Sometimes I let my mind roam and explore and take me places that allow me to think deeper…