Anxiety

It’s 1:39AM and my mind is racing and I can’t get it to stop.

My anxiety has taken over and I feel some sort of high that I can’t come down off of.

Is this the end?

What if this is it?

All my hard work, does it end here? What am I doing ?

What am I to do next?

…questions that I can’t answer. Question I demand answers to.

God, ancestors, crystals, sage, moon, earth, stars….

help…me.

Is this the life for me?

Oh anxiety you’re a friend of mine that I try to keep away from. The friend that got me through undergrad. The friend that pushes me to move on and do better. The friend that’s not really a friend but we know one another so well.

Are you here ?

Is it showing?

Am I showing you off or hiding you well? What if they see me?

What if they don’t?

What expectations am I to live up to?

Who made these expectations ?

Fuck those expectations ! You don’t mean that. God but I want to…

I’m scared.

I’m scared …of myself mostly. Scared that I have set the bar too high and I can’t reach it…again I ask…is this it for me…

Doubt and anxiety work hand in hand and being an intellect doesn’t make it any easier. I know to much but remember, be humble. God dammit !! Can I just scream to the heavens that might exist in my nightmares of reality that I can’t fathom to endure. How am I to exist in this current state and I can’t even reach my own expectations and answer my own questions.

…what is this?

…what am I saying?

…what is happening?

…Anxiety …

hey bitch…you’re back again!

What is my truth ? What is my destiny? What answer am I to hold on to?

Why…am… I…this…way…?

I’m lost but I’m supposed to be okay with that right? Someone answer me. Is this a cry for help or simply me releasing the energy that can no longer live in this body. The energy that needs to be exhausted from this body so that this body can continue to walk in whatever peace it found in that moment…do I even make sense…

Anxiety…

you’re one hell of a bitch… that was so good

…Anxiety…

Let’s go another…round…

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June 12,2018

Allow Me This Space To Vent, Please.

I feel like I’ve been on an emotional rollercoaster. I haven’t necessarily been able to acknowledge any of my feelings lately and I found myself today at a point of giving up. Giving up in the sense of, I’m just going to erupt with emotions and whoever is in the way is not going to be a happy camper. I could not find a space where I could genuinely just flesh out everything I was feeling and to process all of my thoughts. Then I remembered my haven, right here. There is no place like home and home is here. Allow me this space to rant and to flesh out whatever I am feeling. I do not need you to “understand me” or to sympathize or empathize anything for me just allow me to live in this space.

Egos

I have been dealing with egos a lot. I have noticed that I too have an ego. My ego however, is not to compensate for something I’m lacking. My ego is coming from a place of confidence. The egos I’ve been dealing with have been telling me, literally to my face, that my opinion isn’t valid because well….youre in the Valley now. Yes, I’ve relocated to the Rio Grande Valley which is a border town in Texas that I didnt even know existed before Teach for America. In the Valley, there is an adbundance of resources and this pride that I have been questioning since I’ve arrived. They praise kids in the Valley for the small things like graduating middle school and I think that is wonderful because it installs the importance of education in kids. But where it starts to get a little weird is when the people who are in Valley then explain to me they have never been outside of the Valley or even outside of Texas. And that worries me. The Valley is definitely another city on the rise. Gentrification is definitely doing its thing in certain parts of the Valley but the people in the Valley have a bit of identity crisis which I believe stems from them not dealing with things outside of the Valley or texas. Im not sure of the actual percentage but I’m sure it’s like 95% percent Mexican. And the amount of people who identify as White or white hispanic is alarming. This false identity has white washed mexican culture so much to point where when they see my black ass they feel as if they too are better than me. But I find that so weird because the way they tip toe around the immigration issues and the state of fear that is being promoted by the white house you would think people would see me, and my black ass as an ally. Instead, I have been starred at, ignored and in some cases treated as a second class citizen. And its mind-blowing because here I am, well traveled , educated and well articulated dealing with someone who has been taught that white is better and they have internalized that so much to the point where they lose their culture YET they still look down at me. If both of your parents are Mexican, your name is of Latin-X decent…you’re Mexican. And to have the nerve, especially in the state that we’re in as far as immigration laws to look down at me is ridiculous. I find it comical in a sense. I have grown to just say…ok sis go off. I am not your enemy people of the valley, if anything I’m a ally. I’m a resource that you should milk instead of ignore but again, ok sis go off.

Accountability

They say the first step in healing is to first admit the problem. In order to do that, one has to humble themselves. One has to be accountable for all their flaws and all their perfections. As I continue to go into these “safe places” that are mixed with different cultures and races, I’m noticing people do not like to be accountable for their mistakes. Here it is ladies and germs, and to all my Beany Babies, I too have dealt with my own predjucies in regards to Mexicans, white people and (get ready) black people. I have fed into stereotypes, I have prejudged based on your race and I have not always been on the side of humans as a whole. And fuck it, thats my truth. And in some cases because I am human I still have some growing to do. And because of that, when I say something that may go against the grain or may not be culturally accepted, please drag me. Drag me from here to Wakanda. I appreciate it so much. Dont allow me to live in my ignorance but instead I rather you cut me down to build me back up. Im just tired of these “safe places” where I still have to be mindful of what I say because John and Susanne haven’t 100% accepted their truth. We all have our ugly but its up to you to turn your ugly into beauty.

The Church

I have completely checked out from the church. It took a long time for me to remove myself for many reasons. But I had to ask myself, what have you done for me lately? There have been many things said about myself and my family from the church that don’t resonate 100% with me. There are things in the bible that do not 100% resonate neither. If this place is where I’m supposed to come for completeness , why do I still have lingering questions that leave me feeling incomplete and why is it when this is brought up the only response is “ pray about it”? But doesn’t it say something in the bible about prayer without work is dead or something like that? I don’t know and theres too many loopholes and unanswered questions and Ive realized once I stepped out the mindset that the church has formed I started getting answers, things started making sense and life suddenly wasn’t dark anymore. I was no longer bound by the things that were told were good but ended up being bad. I also think, we as a people need to start holding these pastors more accountable. If you are not living up to the words you preach then you should not be preaching. And when confronted, if you then let your ego and pride get in the way you do not need to be preaching. I have seen pastors strive off their egos being stroked and the moment you question something they belittle you reinforce the bind that they have installed over ones life. I choose to live differently now and whats so annoying is that when I tell people, I’m not religious they instantly go “ you need to come to my church!” sis what the fuck your church got going on that I NEED to go. Let me be more clear, religion isn’t for me and I have denounced christian church values from my life. However when I look in the mirror and speak positive affirmations on my life, I’m at church. When I go from downward dog into a headstand while breathing and acknowledging everything in me and around me, I’m at church. So again, what the fuck does your church got going on that I need to go? Bigger lights, a bomb ass choir ? What is it? All of that sounds good but when the going gets tough, where was your church baby? I don’t say any of this to offend I simply just find it rude when people force their religion on me. And thats something I also had to realize, the only reason I was in church is because I was told to. I was told I would literally DIE if if stopped going to church…fun fact, I’m still here.

I think the melatonin is kicking in now and I’m running out of words but my fingers are still going. And I feel like with each word I’m taking a deep exhale. Im removing the thoughts and ideas that were cluttering my mind but I want to just say this before I wrap it up. Men have to do better. As a man, I cannot be the voice for all men and I cannot vouch for a species that has continuously shown to be worthless. Men, we must hold ourselves to a higher standard in order to be an asset to our female counterparts. This is more than intimacy and stepping up to the plate. It’s simply just do better. Women are losing hope and they are finding more ways than one to not deal with men at all. We have to stop thinking about the sexual aspect of womanhood but we have to see womanhood as something sacred that needs to be protected and uplifted. Women do not need us however we need to see how much we need women. Allow her to educate you and it doesn’t have to be your wife or your girlfriend or anyone along those lines. It is our duty to protect the woman. Once we get to a humble place of acknowledging that this universe is woman and she is the dominant force we will begin to live in peace. Women I apologize on my behalf and my behalf only because again, I’m not the voice of all men. But I apologize for not living up to your standard of being a protector in any situation and I am open for all criticism in order to be uplifted. I will never have the honor of truly understanding what it is like to be a woman however, I come from a long line of strong women and I know the most I could do is protect the woman.

Thats all I have , thank you for this space. Thank you for engaging and thank you for allowing me to ramble unapologetically. I feel better.

-Beanz Out

I’m Not Your Woke Friend

There has been many things going on in the world. Suddenly slavery was a choice and you can’t sit in Starbucks as a black man without being targeted. There’s just a lot of vibes being thrown around. And there’s also been a surge of people wanting to hear my opinion on things. Phone calls, tweets, DMs, text messages, actual strangers trying to start debates with me because apparently I just look like I have an opinion. And I do. But what I won’t do is continue to use my energy towards fuck shit. And I wish I could find another word(s) to describe what’s been happening but that’s just what it is. Fuck shit.

First and foremost, I thought I told y’all- I’m not woke. Nothing about me is woke. I’m aware. I’m aware of the uneducated, ignorance that has been spewing out of Kanye’s mouth ( yes I saw the whole interview, still fuck shit). I’m aware that it’s still cool but not cool to be black in public places. But I’m not your woke friend who is going to use all of their energy ranting and raving about topics over and over again. The woke community lacks something that truly bothers me and that’s facts. Facts trumps everything. If you don’t have your facts in order, don’t even try to start a conversation with me because I’m going to hurt your feelings. Research isn’t that hard. Stop allowing these social media prophets to big up your heads. Know the whole story and all the facts and then we can talk.

Another thing the woke community lacks is self identity. There have been many before us that unfortunately have fought similar(read same) battles that we are fighting today. However times are different. Frequencies are different. We are vibrating at a higher wavelength than those who came before us which means, we have to do things a little different. The woke community love to hold onto old ideologies that worked in the 50s and the 90s. But let’s think about what life was like back then. Shit, woman just earned the right to vote in 1920 and black women couldn’t vote until the 1960s. That alone says a lot. Women are forerunners for the majority of political movements and a few decades ago they weren’t even able to have a say-so for what happened in the world they lived in. So no, I can’t have the mindset as Marcus Garvey or Malcom X. However, I appreciate everything they have done and I will learn from their journey but I’m going to do what works for me.

And the last issue I’m going to discuss in regards to the woke community is the lack of resources. I still can’t understand how you can be woke and still pick and choose what type of person you choose to stand for. How can you wear your Black Lives Matter shirts and hashtag #BLM on every post yet, faggot is a word in your daily vocabulary? How do you not see all people of color as equal? How you hating on a person that isn’t even paying you any attention that is doing 10 times better than you? The LGBTQ community have been front and center for every political event yet the woke community still scrutinizes gays in the black community. If it wasn’t for those same faggots and dikes you would still be stuck in some fucked up situations. And speaking of resources, do you not understand that there is so much to learn from a person living a different lifestyle than you? Those trends that you are so ready to hop on, who you think started that?…don’t know ? I’ll tell you. The black woman that you quick to call a ho and a bitch but yet she’s a queen. The faggot that you bullied in middle school. The same people who subliminally made you are the same people you are casting out of your woke movement.

I repeat, I’m not your woke friend. When Kanye does something that is outright disappointing and foolish, don’t call me. I been telling y’all stop thinking one sided. When you question a man’s masculinity because of whatever, don’t call me because I been told y’all masculinity and femininity work together. And I also told you hyper masculinity is a fucking joke. No I’m not mad, I’ve been mad before. Now I’m just focusing my energy elsewhere. Focusing on fixing issues. Focusing on helping my community. And for my people, you know who you are, next time someone comes at you with the fuck shit ask them one question, what have you done for your community that has had a positive impact ?

Beanz Out

Twenty-Three

I find myself reminiscing on that time of my life where I genuinely felt lost. Taking direction from whoever about whatever. Not taking a few seconds to acknowledge my feelings or what my heart deemed okay for me. Not allowing myself the time and space to search within and go “why is that here and how do I get it over there?” . I also find myself realizing that all of my wants , I have. All I need has been provided before I needed it.

22 allowed me to use the tools that have been gifted onto me. The gifts that allow me to be who I am and confident in it. 22 allowed me to say no to what I wanted to say no to and yes only when it felt right. 22 brought on many new wisdoms and has introduced me to many new people who kept the wisdom cypher going. The wisdom that I pray and hope 23 uses well.

Twenty-three, hey. What’s up? I have somethings going but I know you’ll adjust well. You will make yourself known and remove what needs to be removed and welcome the newness that will continue to push me the limit. Allow my wings to never become weak but continue to grow bigger and stronger and whichever way they take me, I’ll be ok. Twenty-three I know you have a big reputation but take your time. I believe in you and you don’t have to prove anything to anyone . You’re here, you’ve made it. I’m excited to meet you. Thank you in advance for reminding me why we are what we are and when we are. Thank you for bringing in the positivity that balances and removes the negativity and understanding there is something to learn in those negative spaces. May you enter this body , In this realm with upward and forwardness. Oh how glad I am that you are here. I welcome you with a warm vibration that you will match to bring the flames. Hey , Twenty-Three… I’m ready.

-Beanz Out

Captain Save a Ho

I’ve come to realize that my life has aligned things that always put me in a position to help. I truly believe that we were put here on this earth to help one another. We all go through different things and have different experiences. We gain wisdom from our experiences and this wisdom is meant to be shared with those who need it.

For a long time I was giving , giving and giving and never took a chance to stop and ask “ who’s giving to me ?” That never was a concern of mine. I don’t help someone with the intentions of receiving something back. My true fulfillment comes from seeing my seed grow. Every word of advice-a seed. Every comforting hug- a seed. Every tear shed on my shoulder- a seed. I only plant what I want to harvest. I want everyone around me to flourish. Even if our time together is limited I want to know that you are out in the world living your life to its full potential and it brings tears of joy to know that my simple act of genuine kindness helped you get to where you are. I have no need to remind you, I have no right to get anything in return. All I want is for you to shine.

We have to open ourselves to other people. Our journey isn’t just for us. We have to share our experiences and our kind words and our truth in order to keep the cycle going. We must water one another in love and help wash away whatever pain we are harboring. In order for us to evolve as a people we must continue to humble ourselves and shed a light into one another’s life. There’s enough hate in the world we all can use an act of kindness and a warm hug right now.

This is a blog of love, this is a blog of unity. I love each and every one of you and I want my love to live forever so spread love. Let’s just love one another. We can use it for sure.

-Beanz Out