I’ve been having a hard time processing information lately. For some reason I feel as if I’m not getting the whole truth in things. Im discerning on another level that makes me question “is there more to this ?” What eventually happens is I end up on this quest for an answer that sits well with me. I dig for the answers that resinates with my spirit but even then I’m still left with the question “is there more to this?” Someone explained to me that this is all apart of the “awakening process” but I’m like, when did I sign up for this ?
Literally, internally I’m at peace with a lot of things and I find myself flowing a lot more fluidly these days and even when I’m on these mini quest of truth I’m still at peace. I’m not racing and pacing all over the place, I’m not freaking out, not losing out on sleep or anything. But it’s not always roses and cotton candy, sometimes I literally feel like I’m losing my shit. When something else is revealed to me I can’t just accept it, I have to process it. During that process I’m like “well why is it that at one point this was said? And am I the only one who sees this happening ?” It’s weird, it’s fun, it’s annoying.
All in all , this is my life. This is my journey. Everything has a purpose and I have given up on trying to figure out what the purpose is, everything will reveal itself in due time. The deeper I dig within myself, the more gold I will find. The more truth I operate in, the more love I will give out. I’m on this journey , no I didn’t sign up for it but someone or something knew this is exactly where I’m supposed to be.
For years I carried so much on my shoulders. I carried my skin as burden instead of a God given honorable shield. I carried societies standard of masculinity instead of defining manhood for myself. Eventually I grew tired. I grew tired of constantly fighting myself from myself. I was covering up who I truly was because I was scared of what other people would think or the fear of making someone else uncomfortable. As a nonconforming black male, you never know how people will accept you. After some time I stopped caring. I had to realize that I was the only thing that really mattered. It was my peace and happiness that was truly at risk.
We hide behind so many veils in order to conform to society and not to step on any toes. Under these veils we lose ourselves and we miss out on our potential. I had to accept all of my good and accept all of my bad in order for me to move forward in life. I stopped acknowledging what people told me was “bad” and turned the “bad” into moments of self observation. How is being myself bad? What makes these things bad? Who deemed it bad? And who the fuck are you to tell me, a grown ass man, that something about me is bad? Just because my life doesn’t necessarily align with your belief system and how you feel doesn’t make it bad.
Unfortunately we live in a white patriarchal, hyper-masculine society where young black boys and girls are told their skin color makes them less than and that their hair isn’t straight enough or long enough. Basically that we will never be enough. This was my reality. For years I hated my skin color, I wanted to be lighter. Lighter would equal more people liking me. Lighter would equal more opportunities. Lighter was better in my eyes. When I first started to accept my skin color, it wasn’t because I genuinely loved my complexion. It was because people liked my skin color. So in my head I’m like “Yes I’m accepted”. It wasn’t until college honestly that I truly loved my skin color. I realized it was mine. MY SKIN COLOR. No one else in this universe has MY SKIN COLOR. I realized that it holds magic and that I would do whatever the fuck I wanted because the DNA that ran through me came from people who looked just liked me who made shit shake. Once I accepted the love of me and my skin thats when I started to love everything else. My hair. For years I would spend half of my weekends in the barber shop in order to keep up the clean black boy look. Waves on swim, hairline so sharp I could slice you open with it with one strike. I even grew out my beard because someone else told me it was the thing to do, made me more attractive in a sense. Its been a year now with no haircut and I now have locs and I’m beardless. These were my decisions to love every strand of hair that grew from my head in its natural state. My beard did not define me. I now make decisions based on whats right for me and the spirit within helps me and guides me to making these decisions. I made the choice to not conform to what people and society claimed as acceptable. I choose what is acceptable for me everyday in that moment.
Once I accepted me for all the magic that I am, I gained my happiness back. The years I spent trying to please others is gone, I can’t get those back. The years under white rule are gone, I can’t get those back. But today I am striving to be the best version of Darrius Newton I can be. God has given me the tools to succeed its up to me to use them. My nappy glory, golden skin that turns blue under the moon’s light and my abundance of love that exudes through my pours will always be me. And I love every moment of it. I define who I am as a man and theres nothing anyone could say or do to change that. Love yourself , love others, spread happiness.
We all like to be comfortable, it feels good to be comfortable. A familiar place, a place that registers with your mind, your soul. We stay in our comfort zones and ignore what is really happening around us and within us. We ignore the tell-tell signs that our comfort zones are actually a distraction. We aren’t paying attention to the signs that are around us telling us to leave our comfort zones or whatever is making us comfortable. Being uncomfortable sometimes is what we need sometimes. We need to be in a place where not only are we not familiar but where we don’t know what to do. We rely on every unction and we are so in tuned with that voice in our heads that we end up learning so much from that uncomfortable, unfamiliar place. It is in that same uncomfortable place where we grow. The trials and tribulations that came forth in that time has prepared us for what is next. What is to come. Our destiny. We sometimes get so lost in the world and all that is going on that we just try to figure things out on our own when sometimes all we need to do Is put our neck out there and let life have at it. It’s okay to fail in these times and it’s okay to fall but remember everything has a purpose. Learn from the failure and learn from that fall so your next fall wont hurt as bad and the fall after that would only be a trip and then after that we stand tall as a tree-20 foot tall.
I have been in so many comfortable situations that have not been healthy to my growth and I Have witnessed so many people stay in a place where they aren’t even happy but that’s all they know or that’s all they can see themselves at. But there’s so much more in the world. We have to stop being blinded by stuff and things and people and places that aren’t really the best things for us. Let it go. Move on. It’s scary I know but do it. Do it for your well being and do it for those watching you.
I leave you all with this, my grandfather said something one time that stayed with me forever. He is a man of few words but he once said something along the lines of, I die everyday( can’t remember exactly what he said to be honest but I remember what it meant). Everyday we have a choice to lay down another burden, to turn a new leaf, to learn something new. The person I was yesterday will not be the person I am today hence, I die everyday. Everyday take a step out your comfort zone. Everyday work on bettering yourself, your community and those in it.