Your Circle.

A lot of people, including myself, have been caught applauding themselves about how small their circle is. Circle referring to their friends. For some reason, we feel as if we should be proud at the fact that we have a small group of friends. But, is it really that big of a deal? Yes, yes it is. I started off by writing something else but actually this is important( to me at least). I have a very small group of friends who I have watched grow into these beautiful specimens. I brag about my friends all the time like a proud parent who’s kid just won the national spelling bee. In my eyes, my friends have won the national spelling bee multiple times. I have friends who have crossed borders to reach beyond expectations to help other people, I have friends who have started their own business, I also have friends who just live their lives. No matter who they are or what they are doing, my little circle of friends are doing amazing things. And I am proud of each and every one of them.

Its not about having a small circle, i just choose to keep my circle small because thats less birthdays I have to remember. But its about the people in your circle. What are they like? What fruit do they bare? Is it good fruit? What do they add to you? What do they subtract? You have to analyze your friends to make sure that they have a flow of good energy when they are around you. Its a everyday task to keep your vibrations high but do your friends lower them, or make them dance and go higher and higher?

I remember not valuing friendships and relationships at all. I just ended them and didn’t care about if I ever heard from that person ever again, well at least I would pretend not to care. As I’ve gotten older (shit here I go sounding old again), I realize how important relationships are. I have learned not to be so quick to cut people off but to figure them out first and then go from there. Now, if a person immediately shows me they not right within I have to let them go. But, if I’ve been rocking with you X amount of time, and you decide to start acting funny, I’ll give you your space but I’ll come back and say to you “What the fuck is your problem? Lets talk.” And that is because you just never know what someone is going through and we all have our moments where we just need to be left alone. But when the love is there, it will draw you two back and create a space where you can talk. Sometimes we have to humble ourselves in order for this space to be created but the universe knows what it’s doing, God will work everything out.

I value everyone in and out of my life. Each and every person I have welcomed into my life has taught me valuable lessons. They have taught me what to do and what not to do, they have taught me about myself, they have taught me how to love. This one is for all of you reading this, I love you all. You have read my posts, liked my pictures, followed me on all platforms and have shared moments with me. You have welcomed me into your lives and I am so happy to be here. If I have in any way, shape or form caused any pain or dissatisfaction to your life I am sorry and I pray you forgive me. Thank you for being you and thank you for allowing me to be me. Thank you for allowing me to grow and thank you for allowing me to watch you grow.

-Beanz Out

Thank God I Found the Good in Good-Bye

There’s so much pressure about finding the one, and finding someone who is for you. Sometimes, we find ourselves looking for the qualities that we think we want in someone. We’re so aware of those qualities and sometimes we block good people out of our lives because they have qualities we may or may not like. How do we really know what someone else needs to possess in order for us to feel “complete”? How do we know that person is the one and not just the one for right now? Do we even need the one? Can I just have a few and enjoy their company in a non intimate way? Why can’t I just enjoy myself? Maybe I’m not meant to find the one, maybe I am the one.
I have had a fair amount of relationships and I have found that, people are annoying. Doesn’t matter their gender,race,lifestyle, whatever, something about dating makes people ten times more annoying. Including myself. There are things that I can’t control, like my constant urge to cuddle all day and eat in bed. I can’t control that, it takes over my body and there’s nothing I can do. But no seriously, I had to analyze my situations(current and past) and think what was it that kept me there? And what I found was, it was the illusion of happiness. I say illusion because I was going through my own internal battles, my own demons that I didn’t and still don’t want to deal with. So, in order for me to be okay I would find happiness in others. And because happiness feels good, I stayed where it felt good.
Now I remember at some point of my early college career, I stopped dating. I just stopped. Cut all communication with people, wasn’t flirting with anyone, I just was like no. And it was in this time where I learned so much about myself. I was able to deal with some(definitely not all) of those demons that I carried around. I soul searched everyday, I dug deep into my heart and looked deep into my reflection to figure out and get a better understanding of who I was. I found a lot of ugly within but I found so much good. And I was happy with both because I found it, I acknowledged it, I took on the task of healing the internal wounds everyday on this journey of life.

I got back into dating because I stared feeling the pressure. “I have to find someone” I told myself. “Everyone needs someone” what others told me. So dammit, I got back out there and started dating. I met some really grand individuals who taught me a lot and we shared some great times but, at the end of it all, I found myself losing myself. I had to step back for a second because dating, schooling, working and adulting takes a lot of fucking energy. I mean golly! I was drained 98% of the time. Yes I was having fun but I was doing to much for nothing because news flash , I’m still single!

I have somewhat accepted that maybe I’m just meant to be alone. Maybe the one I’ve been looking for is within. I have to fully search within myself and let God and life heal the things in me so that I can fully love myself and be fine with it. There’s a lot of love that one can find in themselves where they won’t need any other validation from anyone else or anything else. Loving yourself isn’t a crime and being alone is a good thing, it’s a peace that I remember having that I want back. I want to get back in good graces with my surroundings and myself. So enjoy these single moments and let these moments matter. I can’t emphasize enough how important self care/love is. Now, if someone decides to come along and not be playing games, has great communication skills and is willing to make things work between one another, don’t shoot it down because you’re so indulged with yourself. Maybe the love you have found in yourself is what that other person needs to help them. You don’t know how what you’ve been through may help someone else.

So cheers to the good in goodbye, the love that we harbor within to share with others in your community and around the world. Love yourself, love one another. Be a light not only for one person but be a light that shines across seas.

Beanz Out

July 1, 2017

I’ve been having a hard time reconnecting with myself. I have been so caught up in the hoopla that I feel like I wasn’t being me.Unfortunately, I was giving to much of my energy to the wrong things and people which caused me to lose myself for a while. I couldn’t articulate my thoughts, I couldn’t process things correctly. Then on top of that, summer school decided to turn up on me out of no where. So there I was, stuck and tired. Stuck in a place that I wasn’t familiar with and couldnt tell you how I got there. I just knew this place wasn’t allowing me to be myself. Earlier this week I told myself, I’m letting it go. I didn’t know what it was but I woke up and said, I’m letting this go. And I did. I realized that the reason why I was in this place of being stuck and tired is because I chose to stay there. I was choosing to stay in this place that kept me from being myself,kept me from opening up, kept me down. And the reason why I stayed there is because something in me felt safe there. “They can’t find me here” I told myself out of fear of being myself. I had given myself, my energy, my greatness to so many people who didnt deserve it, waste of time. People who were the result of “wyd” text and thoughts of boredom. My energy was off. My equilibrium was off. I was off. So I put myself in this place where I was drained and tired and I rested there. But I had to get out. I couldn’t let a few fuck ups get me out of whack. 

I woke up today July 1,2017 with new energy, new thoughts, newness. Everything in my life is new. I have new people in my life occupying my time and we’re good. I have new struggles I haven’t dealt with before, but I will handle them. I have new goals and I can’t achieve those goals in that unfamiliar place of replenishment that kept me away from me. I’m here, I’m back and I’m happy to be here. Happy to be back in the now. Protect your energy, your body, your heart, your soul. Take that time you need to unplug but don’t forget to plug back in and be great. 
-Beanz Out

Issa Word

We all like to be comfortable, it feels good to be comfortable. A familiar place, a place that registers with your mind, your soul. We stay in our comfort zones and ignore what is really happening around us and within us. We ignore the tell-tell signs that our comfort zones are actually a distraction. We aren’t paying attention to the signs that are around us telling us to leave our comfort zones or whatever is making us comfortable. Being uncomfortable sometimes is what we need sometimes. We need to be in a place where not only are we not familiar but where we don’t know what to do. We rely on every unction and we are so in tuned with that voice in our heads that we end up learning so much from that uncomfortable, unfamiliar place. It is in that same uncomfortable place where we grow. The trials and tribulations that came forth in that time has prepared us for what is next. What is to come. Our destiny. We sometimes get so lost in the world and all that is going on that we just try to figure things out on our own when sometimes all we need to do Is put our neck out there and let life have at it. It’s okay to fail in these times and it’s okay to fall but remember everything has a purpose. Learn from the failure and learn from that fall so your next fall wont hurt as bad and the fall after that would only be a trip and then after that we stand tall as a tree-20 foot tall. 

I have been in so many comfortable situations that have not been healthy to my growth and I Have witnessed so many people stay in a place where they aren’t even happy but that’s all they know or that’s all they can see themselves at. But there’s so much more in the world. We have to stop being blinded by stuff and things and people and places that aren’t really the best things for us. Let it go. Move on. It’s scary I know but do it. Do it for your well being and do it for those watching you. 

I leave you all with this, my grandfather said something one time that stayed with me forever. He is a man of few words but he once said something along the lines of, I die everyday( can’t remember exactly what he said to be honest but I remember what it meant). Everyday we have a choice to lay down another burden, to turn a new leaf, to learn something new. The person I was yesterday will not be the person I am today hence, I die everyday. Everyday take a step out your comfort zone. Everyday work on bettering yourself, your community and those in it. 

-Beanz Out 

Depression, fashion and me.

I will never forget when I realized I suffered from depression. I had just got off work and I had a pretty decent day and I was waiting on the train. The sun was still out and I believe I had made a purchase, can’t remember exactly what I bought but, I do remember this sad feeling that just came out of no where. Nothing triggered it, no one was around me I just felt sad out of no where. In that moment I was like do I suffer from depression ? Like I had to ask myself that question. And me being me I was like “No way not me” but then I faced reality and was like oh man, I think I’m depressed. And it was something I couldn’t shake. After that moment I analyzed my life to find out oh man, you’ve suffered from depression for a long time! In the midst of my train ride and after some quiet time I eventually was able to go back feeling like my regular, content, resting bitch face self. 
For me, I always looked for ways to escape my reality and I never actually faced it. Fashion has helped me face reality as well as becoming spiritually inclined. The depression that I didn’t acknowledge as depression helped me develop my style and evolve in my style. The process of coping allows me to pay attention to small details and allows me look at patterns and textures differently. Though I don’t think I could work in fashion industry anymore, I will always appreciate fashion and what it has done for me. 

I’m not sure if I’ve stated this but this blog is pro black. Pro black , not anti white. With that being said, black people and people of color need to pay attention to their mental health and overall health more. This whole kanye situation really allowed me to think, a lot …more than I usually do. And I am so glad that he realized he had a problem and took the time to take care of it. Kanye has inspired me since the pink polos with the popped collar and the Louis Vuitton backpack. And to see someone you look up to go through something you also go through puts you in a place. A place that you cannot describe. But that same place allows me to be a voice that needs to be heard. Your mental, spiritual, emotional health is very important and needs to be taken care of. I think a lot of times as creatives we get so wrapped up in our heads we forget to check back in to the reality of things and when we do it causes us to freak out a little bit. Like damn I have all these things to do and people watching me, how am I to handle all of this, we ask ourselves. Then we get trapped in this emotion we can’t describe. But we have to learn to focus our energy somewhere that keeps us in the now no matter what that now is. We have to be able to learn to grow from the now whether it’s good or bad. 
I could go on forever about this but, take care of yourself and others.

-Beanz Out