I’m Not Sure Honestly

I’m starting to wonder if I overthink things. For instance, I’m always super aware of my leg space when sitting next to others especially females. I just feel as if I should do my small part and not man spread. But it’s like am I the only one thinking about shit like that? Am I overreacting? Am I reaching ? I’m not sure honestly.

As a firm believer that we should all do our part I try to advocate as much as possible and make sure I practice what I preach. I find myself having mental debates about what I should give my energy to and what I shouldn’t. When it comes to women rights, lgbtq+ rights, black rights, brown rights, (insert other oppressed groups I fight for here), I’m just in it. All the way. I find myself naturally doing things to make a point. But at what point am I going to get fed up and just worry about myself? Or am I already coming focused on myself? I’m not sure honestly.

I’m still processing my motives. I’m still processing my actions. So far all I’ve come up with is…this is who I am and i will defend that until the end. We’ve lived in a realm of too many people being content with the way things are. I’m not content with being content when there are so many things to fix. Again I am constantly debating what I should give my energy to. Even when I contemplate my motives I realize that me worrying about myself is apart of fighting the fights I choose to fight. I’m not sure honestly but I feel as if I’m ok exactly where I’m at. Everything I’m doing is exactly what I should be doing. I’m not sure why I felt like writing about this but honestly…everything is okay. I’m not sure what I’m doing honestly ,but honestly…everything is okay…

-Beanz Out

Advertisements

Beauty

Loving you is easy because you’re beautiful.

Daily affirmations and reminders that this too shall pass. Constant positive reinforcement, encouraging me to keep going…and going…and go…ing. The moment I feel like I’m ready to give up I return back to that affirmation…

Loving you is easy because you’re beautiful.

This struggle. This feeling. This desire to give up is shaping me for what is to come. I don’t know what this door leads to but I know I walk in love and loving me requires a humbling process where I am in the trenches. Blind. Cold. In a state of unknown but yet I can still feel my feet and legs moving. Feet don’t fail me now. I’ve come to far. Fuck it’s hard. But brighter days will come.

Loving you is easy.

Even in your ugly and lowest

You are beautiful.

This journey. This shift. This wavelength. Im here.

Beanz .

Mr.Darrius

Mr. Darrius not Mr. Newton.

Darrius is me.

Darrius is who I am in this realm right now.

There is no deeply rooted roots

deeply rooted underneath words

deeply rooted

beneath something else that is something I am not

because

I am darrius. Mr. Darrius

Thats who I am.

Thats who you first see when you look at me

Not Newton but Darrius and then Newton.

I am thankful for those who have come before me

I am honored to be a Newton

But

I am Darrius first. I am

Mr. Darrius

“I Only Date Black…” = An Insult

I find it hard to believe that in 2018 after having a black president, numerous black success stories and achievements made by black people, people still look at us as objects. We’re just things to please others. Too often do black people hear “ I only date black men” or “I only date black girls” from non- black people. Too often do non black people find this as a compliment. Well, I’m here to say- its not. It’s actually insulting. What made you think that’s a good thing? Are you doing black people a service by only dating us? Are we supposed to invite you to the cookout? Help me understand why this phrase so openly and nonchalantly crosses the threshold of your lips?

What we have to start to understand is that there is a difference between a preference and a fetish. I prefer burritos over tacos but when I’m hungry I’m not only looking for burritos. In terms of dating, if you’re only on the hunt for black women or men you’re simply fetishizing us. Our skin color shouldn’t determine whether or not you want us or not. Yes acknowledge our skin but thats all, it shouldn’t be your main and only reason your interested. Usually this desire is stemmed from some stereotype such as black men are dominant and are well endowed and black women are assertive and curvaceous. Yes there are truths in stereotypes but if you want to date someone because of a stereotype not only are you feeding your own insecurities, you’re also feeding into a stereotype that may or may not be true and fetishizing black people isnt helping black people in any way, shape or form.

So Mike, Sally, Jacob , Suzanne… next time you get all hot and bothered by a skin color I want you to keep that same energy when it is time to stand for black rights. Everyone wants to be with a black person but doesnt want to deal with black issues. And even if you do, you still arent invited to the cookout because viewing black people or any person as sexual objects to fuel your own twisted reality is sick and black people been through enough, we deserve better. No I am not against interracial dating. I am however against two people feeding off one another’s insecurities in order to feel something besides nothing in their lives. I am against dehumanizing black people. I am against fuckery. Again, there is a difference between a fetish and a preference.

Beanz Out

Anxiety

It’s 1:39AM and my mind is racing and I can’t get it to stop.

My anxiety has taken over and I feel some sort of high that I can’t come down off of.

Is this the end?

What if this is it?

All my hard work, does it end here? What am I doing ?

What am I to do next?

…questions that I can’t answer. Question I demand answers to.

God, ancestors, crystals, sage, moon, earth, stars….

help…me.

Is this the life for me?

Oh anxiety you’re a friend of mine that I try to keep away from. The friend that got me through undergrad. The friend that pushes me to move on and do better. The friend that’s not really a friend but we know one another so well.

Are you here ?

Is it showing?

Am I showing you off or hiding you well? What if they see me?

What if they don’t?

What expectations am I to live up to?

Who made these expectations ?

Fuck those expectations ! You don’t mean that. God but I want to…

I’m scared.

I’m scared …of myself mostly. Scared that I have set the bar too high and I can’t reach it…again I ask…is this it for me…

Doubt and anxiety work hand in hand and being an intellect doesn’t make it any easier. I know to much but remember, be humble. God dammit !! Can I just scream to the heavens that might exist in my nightmares of reality that I can’t fathom to endure. How am I to exist in this current state and I can’t even reach my own expectations and answer my own questions.

…what is this?

…what am I saying?

…what is happening?

…Anxiety …

hey bitch…you’re back again!

What is my truth ? What is my destiny? What answer am I to hold on to?

Why…am… I…this…way…?

I’m lost but I’m supposed to be okay with that right? Someone answer me. Is this a cry for help or simply me releasing the energy that can no longer live in this body. The energy that needs to be exhausted from this body so that this body can continue to walk in whatever peace it found in that moment…do I even make sense…

Anxiety…

you’re one hell of a bitch… that was so good

…Anxiety…

Let’s go another…round…