Your Circle.

A lot of people, including myself, have been caught applauding themselves about how small their circle is. Circle referring to their friends. For some reason, we feel as if we should be proud at the fact that we have a small group of friends. But, is it really that big of a deal? Yes, yes it is. I started off by writing something else but actually this is important( to me at least). I have a very small group of friends who I have watched grow into these beautiful specimens. I brag about my friends all the time like a proud parent who’s kid just won the national spelling bee. In my eyes, my friends have won the national spelling bee multiple times. I have friends who have crossed borders to reach beyond expectations to help other people, I have friends who have started their own business, I also have friends who just live their lives. No matter who they are or what they are doing, my little circle of friends are doing amazing things. And I am proud of each and every one of them.

Its not about having a small circle, i just choose to keep my circle small because thats less birthdays I have to remember. But its about the people in your circle. What are they like? What fruit do they bare? Is it good fruit? What do they add to you? What do they subtract? You have to analyze your friends to make sure that they have a flow of good energy when they are around you. Its a everyday task to keep your vibrations high but do your friends lower them, or make them dance and go higher and higher?

I remember not valuing friendships and relationships at all. I just ended them and didn’t care about if I ever heard from that person ever again, well at least I would pretend not to care. As I’ve gotten older (shit here I go sounding old again), I realize how important relationships are. I have learned not to be so quick to cut people off but to figure them out first and then go from there. Now, if a person immediately shows me they not right within I have to let them go. But, if I’ve been rocking with you X amount of time, and you decide to start acting funny, I’ll give you your space but I’ll come back and say to you “What the fuck is your problem? Lets talk.” And that is because you just never know what someone is going through and we all have our moments where we just need to be left alone. But when the love is there, it will draw you two back and create a space where you can talk. Sometimes we have to humble ourselves in order for this space to be created but the universe knows what it’s doing, God will work everything out.

I value everyone in and out of my life. Each and every person I have welcomed into my life has taught me valuable lessons. They have taught me what to do and what not to do, they have taught me about myself, they have taught me how to love. This one is for all of you reading this, I love you all. You have read my posts, liked my pictures, followed me on all platforms and have shared moments with me. You have welcomed me into your lives and I am so happy to be here. If I have in any way, shape or form caused any pain or dissatisfaction to your life I am sorry and I pray you forgive me. Thank you for being you and thank you for allowing me to be me. Thank you for allowing me to grow and thank you for allowing me to watch you grow.

-Beanz Out

July 1, 2017

I’ve been having a hard time reconnecting with myself. I have been so caught up in the hoopla that I feel like I wasn’t being me.Unfortunately, I was giving to much of my energy to the wrong things and people which caused me to lose myself for a while. I couldn’t articulate my thoughts, I couldn’t process things correctly. Then on top of that, summer school decided to turn up on me out of no where. So there I was, stuck and tired. Stuck in a place that I wasn’t familiar with and couldnt tell you how I got there. I just knew this place wasn’t allowing me to be myself. Earlier this week I told myself, I’m letting it go. I didn’t know what it was but I woke up and said, I’m letting this go. And I did. I realized that the reason why I was in this place of being stuck and tired is because I chose to stay there. I was choosing to stay in this place that kept me from being myself,kept me from opening up, kept me down. And the reason why I stayed there is because something in me felt safe there. “They can’t find me here” I told myself out of fear of being myself. I had given myself, my energy, my greatness to so many people who didnt deserve it, waste of time. People who were the result of “wyd” text and thoughts of boredom. My energy was off. My equilibrium was off. I was off. So I put myself in this place where I was drained and tired and I rested there. But I had to get out. I couldn’t let a few fuck ups get me out of whack. 

I woke up today July 1,2017 with new energy, new thoughts, newness. Everything in my life is new. I have new people in my life occupying my time and we’re good. I have new struggles I haven’t dealt with before, but I will handle them. I have new goals and I can’t achieve those goals in that unfamiliar place of replenishment that kept me away from me. I’m here, I’m back and I’m happy to be here. Happy to be back in the now. Protect your energy, your body, your heart, your soul. Take that time you need to unplug but don’t forget to plug back in and be great. 
-Beanz Out

Who asked you?

I have a problem. My problem is, I do what I want. With this problem, people feel the need to tell me how they feel about what I’m doing but what they really like to talk about is what I’m wearing. It is very seldom that I ask people how they feel about my outfit or should I wear something or not. My style is exactly that, mine. It’s my way of self expression, my mood, my stance , whatever! It’s mine and I don’t need anyone telling me anything about it except, “You look nice.” where I humbly reply, “Thank you.” and go about my business. I always look nice in my opinion even on the days where I’m not that satisfied with my outfit because I remind myself, when I got dressed today, thats how i felt and somewhere between then and now I changed.

What really grinds my gears is when people try to define me based on what I wear. Whether its my religious views or sexuality, someway somehow people identify what I have on with something. Since when did clothing classify me or anyone? How masculine I am? How I was raised? Who I sleep with? First and foremost, thats no ones business but God and I. Secondly, let me be. Please and thank you.

-Beanz

Shirt- H&M $17.99

Pants- Levis 512 $69.50

Shoes- Gucci Horsebit Slipper $650

V-DAY

As I continue to progress in life and tune into different atmospheres, I’ve become very observant. I’m observing myself, others, my environment, the seen and the unseen. one day I was walking into Kroger(grocery store) and me being the observer I am, I observed red and pink hearts everywhere. And literally, the eye roll that took place could’ve been seen from across the oceans! I just couldn’t believe its happening again, another Valentine’s Day; single and by myself.

After some time of being by yourself on Valentine’s Day you start telling yourself things like this “Valentine’s Day is dumb!” or “This is just another one of America’s ways to get peoples money!” and you become so numb to holiday as a whole. Another thing you do is, celebrate “Single’s Awareness Day” which is usually spent with your other single friends over a nice dinner and endless glasses of wine. All of that is okay but lets go back to what Valentine’s Day is about, love! One day dedicated to that one special person you truly care about or even love. A commercialized holiday yes, but its a day to really shed some love on someone. Lets take another step back and look at the relationship you share with yourself. What was the last thing you have done for yourself in the act of self care? Self love?

It is hard to balance everything you have to do and to take care of yourself. Trust me I know! I am such an advocate for being alone and taking care of yourself. Self care is usually  the last thing on our todo list. The one thing we literally have to plan weeks in advance because we are so caught up in the other things that we have to do; pay bills, do homework, projects, stay current with the trends – there’s so much to do! And in the midst of doing all of that we sleep and take a shower and those are little acts of self care, absolutely. Take Valentine’s Day to go into self care overdrive. Go get a manicure/ pedicure, go get a haircut, clean your house, delete your emails, go buy a plant, go shopping- do what makes you happy. Self care is exactly what is sounds like, taking care of self. There are so many ways to do that, just make sure you are taking the time to do it.

Lets move forward this Valentine’s Day. Lets acknowledge the “holiday” and do what we need to do for ourselves. Let the couples enjoy their day together and we will enjoy the company of ourselves and take care of ourselves. Self care and self love is so important, if we do not take care of us inwardly and outwardly and learn to love ourselves, how are we supposed to love one another? Spread love, everyday and love each other everyday don’t wait on for February 14th to express your love for someone, do it as much as you can even if that someone is yourself.

Inauguration Day 

I’ve been dreading this day  since the election. For the past week or so I’ve been trying to distract my mind from what is actually happening. I was working on another post in the midst of the semester starting back up again but my mind was just clustered. It really hit me last night after seeing all the lovely shades of people at my institution who are doing miraculous things that we now are under a President who disregards everything that we have accomplished as a people and who is publically the face of racism,sexism,rape culture, homophobia, classism, etc. just because the color of our skin.

Initially I grew weary. I knew what kind of  country we lived in. I knew what we were against. It’s never been easy for us and when I say us I’m not singling out any color, gender or race. If you feel me, you feel me. It’s always been a struggle but to publically be embarrassed and publically tell us in a sense “you don’t matter” its humiliating. Now this orange man has to be the mouth piece for this country that WE built. But then I allowed my self to reflect. I felt a shift, honestly. I saw people come together for the first time in a long time as one. Everyone put their issues to the side for once and saw one another as humans and understood for a second ; if not us, then who? Communities are coming together and forming alliances and looking out for one another because there is an understanding that we must be the change and we must continue the greatness that our ancestors have paved the way for us to follow. We must allow the scars of the past to heal and to treat each other as equals and learn to love from within. I see it happening, it’s taking time to fully get there but it’s happening. It’s going to take time but I thank Trump for showing people what this country has turned into and allowing people to ask the question to themselves ,”if not us,then who?”

On this day Friday, January 20,2017 I will continue my day as normal. I will stand strong, dress well and talk my shit. I will NOT watch the publicity stunt that they are calling the Inauguration. Trump is NOT my president and that won’t change. Today just like yesterday and the day before and the year before we must continue to better ourselves and better each other. Through God, Christ, the universe and our ancestors we have the strength to overcome all road bumps and dodge all distractions. We have to love ourselves and love one another and love each and every moment of this journey that we have been given. We must STOMP through this journey with pride and confidence and let’s not forget love. On this day, I will be doing my laundry,doing my homework and taking my fly ass to work because we got shit to do. As long as we have one another and the almighty in the midst, we will be okay.

-Beanz Out