June 12,2018

Allow Me This Space To Vent, Please.

I feel like I’ve been on an emotional rollercoaster. I haven’t necessarily been able to acknowledge any of my feelings lately and I found myself today at a point of giving up. Giving up in the sense of, I’m just going to erupt with emotions and whoever is in the way is not going to be a happy camper. I could not find a space where I could genuinely just flesh out everything I was feeling and to process all of my thoughts. Then I remembered my haven, right here. There is no place like home and home is here. Allow me this space to rant and to flesh out whatever I am feeling. I do not need you to “understand me” or to sympathize or empathize anything for me just allow me to live in this space.

Egos

I have been dealing with egos a lot. I have noticed that I too have an ego. My ego however, is not to compensate for something I’m lacking. My ego is coming from a place of confidence. The egos I’ve been dealing with have been telling me, literally to my face, that my opinion isn’t valid because well….youre in the Valley now. Yes, I’ve relocated to the Rio Grande Valley which is a border town in Texas that I didnt even know existed before Teach for America. In the Valley, there is an adbundance of resources and this pride that I have been questioning since I’ve arrived. They praise kids in the Valley for the small things like graduating middle school and I think that is wonderful because it installs the importance of education in kids. But where it starts to get a little weird is when the people who are in Valley then explain to me they have never been outside of the Valley or even outside of Texas. And that worries me. The Valley is definitely another city on the rise. Gentrification is definitely doing its thing in certain parts of the Valley but the people in the Valley have a bit of identity crisis which I believe stems from them not dealing with things outside of the Valley or texas. Im not sure of the actual percentage but I’m sure it’s like 95% percent Mexican. And the amount of people who identify as White or white hispanic is alarming. This false identity has white washed mexican culture so much to point where when they see my black ass they feel as if they too are better than me. But I find that so weird because the way they tip toe around the immigration issues and the state of fear that is being promoted by the white house you would think people would see me, and my black ass as an ally. Instead, I have been starred at, ignored and in some cases treated as a second class citizen. And its mind-blowing because here I am, well traveled , educated and well articulated dealing with someone who has been taught that white is better and they have internalized that so much to the point where they lose their culture YET they still look down at me. If both of your parents are Mexican, your name is of Latin-X decent…you’re Mexican. And to have the nerve, especially in the state that we’re in as far as immigration laws to look down at me is ridiculous. I find it comical in a sense. I have grown to just say…ok sis go off. I am not your enemy people of the valley, if anything I’m a ally. I’m a resource that you should milk instead of ignore but again, ok sis go off.

Accountability

They say the first step in healing is to first admit the problem. In order to do that, one has to humble themselves. One has to be accountable for all their flaws and all their perfections. As I continue to go into these “safe places” that are mixed with different cultures and races, I’m noticing people do not like to be accountable for their mistakes. Here it is ladies and germs, and to all my Beany Babies, I too have dealt with my own predjucies in regards to Mexicans, white people and (get ready) black people. I have fed into stereotypes, I have prejudged based on your race and I have not always been on the side of humans as a whole. And fuck it, thats my truth. And in some cases because I am human I still have some growing to do. And because of that, when I say something that may go against the grain or may not be culturally accepted, please drag me. Drag me from here to Wakanda. I appreciate it so much. Dont allow me to live in my ignorance but instead I rather you cut me down to build me back up. Im just tired of these “safe places” where I still have to be mindful of what I say because John and Susanne haven’t 100% accepted their truth. We all have our ugly but its up to you to turn your ugly into beauty.

The Church

I have completely checked out from the church. It took a long time for me to remove myself for many reasons. But I had to ask myself, what have you done for me lately? There have been many things said about myself and my family from the church that don’t resonate 100% with me. There are things in the bible that do not 100% resonate neither. If this place is where I’m supposed to come for completeness , why do I still have lingering questions that leave me feeling incomplete and why is it when this is brought up the only response is “ pray about it”? But doesn’t it say something in the bible about prayer without work is dead or something like that? I don’t know and theres too many loopholes and unanswered questions and Ive realized once I stepped out the mindset that the church has formed I started getting answers, things started making sense and life suddenly wasn’t dark anymore. I was no longer bound by the things that were told were good but ended up being bad. I also think, we as a people need to start holding these pastors more accountable. If you are not living up to the words you preach then you should not be preaching. And when confronted, if you then let your ego and pride get in the way you do not need to be preaching. I have seen pastors strive off their egos being stroked and the moment you question something they belittle you reinforce the bind that they have installed over ones life. I choose to live differently now and whats so annoying is that when I tell people, I’m not religious they instantly go “ you need to come to my church!” sis what the fuck your church got going on that I NEED to go. Let me be more clear, religion isn’t for me and I have denounced christian church values from my life. However when I look in the mirror and speak positive affirmations on my life, I’m at church. When I go from downward dog into a headstand while breathing and acknowledging everything in me and around me, I’m at church. So again, what the fuck does your church got going on that I need to go? Bigger lights, a bomb ass choir ? What is it? All of that sounds good but when the going gets tough, where was your church baby? I don’t say any of this to offend I simply just find it rude when people force their religion on me. And thats something I also had to realize, the only reason I was in church is because I was told to. I was told I would literally DIE if if stopped going to church…fun fact, I’m still here.

I think the melatonin is kicking in now and I’m running out of words but my fingers are still going. And I feel like with each word I’m taking a deep exhale. Im removing the thoughts and ideas that were cluttering my mind but I want to just say this before I wrap it up. Men have to do better. As a man, I cannot be the voice for all men and I cannot vouch for a species that has continuously shown to be worthless. Men, we must hold ourselves to a higher standard in order to be an asset to our female counterparts. This is more than intimacy and stepping up to the plate. It’s simply just do better. Women are losing hope and they are finding more ways than one to not deal with men at all. We have to stop thinking about the sexual aspect of womanhood but we have to see womanhood as something sacred that needs to be protected and uplifted. Women do not need us however we need to see how much we need women. Allow her to educate you and it doesn’t have to be your wife or your girlfriend or anyone along those lines. It is our duty to protect the woman. Once we get to a humble place of acknowledging that this universe is woman and she is the dominant force we will begin to live in peace. Women I apologize on my behalf and my behalf only because again, I’m not the voice of all men. But I apologize for not living up to your standard of being a protector in any situation and I am open for all criticism in order to be uplifted. I will never have the honor of truly understanding what it is like to be a woman however, I come from a long line of strong women and I know the most I could do is protect the woman.

Thats all I have , thank you for this space. Thank you for engaging and thank you for allowing me to ramble unapologetically. I feel better.

-Beanz Out

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